I've Never Been Good With Titles

Death of a Terrorist

2011-05-06T10:46:00.002-04:00

Now is that perfect time between a news story first breaking and everybody coming out with their first reactions, and a story fading into the noise of the 24-hour news cycle. So I’d like to weigh in while I can.

I wasn’t immediately jubilant after learning of Osama bin Laden’s death, it took a little while. The first I learned of it was when I turned on the local news in the morning, looking for the weather. The banner across the bottom had the big news in all caps, and the anchor was sitting in a lounge chair interviewing the family of a 9/11 victim. When I finally grasped what was going on, the first thing I heard was “Well, I’m glad justice has been served, but it won’t bring back my son.”

You can imagine how it’d be hard to be jubilant when that’s the first impression of the situation.

But later on, after seeing the pictures from the party at the White House that I had missed (a friend of mine had called, but I was too slow to pick up because I was passed out after a concert), I started to get into the swing of things. Finally, after ten years, it was our turn to dance in the streets like maniacs in celebration of the demise of a despised enemy. But this feeling didn’t last long. I don’t think I even made it through the entire day before I started feeling guilty about it. I remembered how the Jews did not celebrate after the death of the Egyptians in the Red Sea. People died. Death is not a celebratory occasion, regardless of who it was.

Some people have argued vehemently against the way in which he died – shot in the head twice, unarmed. They say he should have been captured alive so that we could try him, convict him, and then execute him; the way things are supposed to go, to show just how civilized we are. They say his assassination is no more honorable than a common murderer. Personally, I couldn’t care less about the fact that he didn’t get a trial. Aside from the logistical nightmares of where he would be detained, where the trial would be held, and where the hell we’d get an impartial jury of his peers, the fact of the matter is that he’s guilty. He owned up to it. He’s proud of it. So go ahead and gun him down, I say. This isn’t Saddam Hussein; we don’t need to do a quick show trial before executing him.

One of the things I found most interesting was the exposition of his hypocrisy. He hated the West. Hated us. And it wasn’t a religious thing; religion was more of a way to recruit people who were willing to blow themselves up than a personal doctrine. It wasn’t necessarily Christians and Jews he hated, it was Americans. Yet as it turns out, all he ever wanted was to be like us. There he was, in an affluent suburb, in a multi-million dollar mansion with a young, pretty wife, a bunch of body guards, and a big ‘ol gun. His story literally has the same ending as Scarface.

But the victory is a hollow one. No one within Al Qaeda will ever understand his hypocrisy. Those who do will be shunned. Someone else will come along to take OBL’s place. He might not make as big of a name for himself, at least not immediately, but this is far from over. Assuming it will ever end.

We Have to Go Deeper

2011-03-14T12:52:00.000-04:00

Logical Conclusion

2011-02-09T13:51:00.000-05:00

My attempts at getting my wallet/life in order have stalled out after a few months, and I've actually started to slide back a bit. This was pretty much bound to happen. It's hard to nail down the cause, exactly, but if I had to guess, I'd say it has something to do with the amount of time I spend in bars. I also noticed the other day that I can't seem to go a day without using my debit card, often times I use it two or three times a day. I actually tried to go a day without using it, and I couldn't. There were things that I absolutely had to buy, no way around it. Every. Single. Day.

The problem is that much like credit cards, debit cards paint a very poor picture of the actual amount of money I have. Debit cards do a better job, if only because I at least get a daily balance reminder email, but in the end, the process is fundamentally the same: I swipe a little piece of plastic, I tell myself "It's only seven bucks, I can handle that," and I move on with my life. Wash, rinse, repeat. Always repeat.

So for the remainder of February, I'm going to try something different. Tonight I'm going to take $200 cash out of my account, and that will be it for my spending money for February. Of course I won't carry it all with me at all times, but when I go out, I'll bring some cash, and that's how I will pay for everything. When I run out, I will stop. It's that simple.

There are less than 20 days left of February, so I'm pretty confident I can do this. $10/day. No sweat. I mean, I'll spend probably $20 on pre/post kball beer tomorrow, and probably $50 on drinks at the anti-Vday bar crawl Saturday. But I can make up for all that by not spending as much during the week, right?

Right?

:/

Fun with Wikipedia

2011-02-01T11:50:00.001-05:00

Lately, I've started reading random articles on Wikipedia in my free time, of which I have a lot. It's pretty much an endless resource of entertainment (learning?). I like to think that one day something I've read will come in handy. Here are some of the things I've picked up.

Close One Sad Eye is an album by the deathrock band Kommunity FK. The tracks on the album include such masterpieces as "Something Inside Me Has Died." Released in 1985, it was their second and last album (at least the last one anybody cared enough about to put on Wikipedia) and indeed I can see why.

Rohr, Thuringia, Germany is a town with a remarkably stable population. Between 1994 and 2009, the population increased by four.

Maryhill Stonehenge is a replica of the Stonehenge, located in Maryhill, Washington. It was the first memorial to honor the dead of WWI. The design was chosen because the commissioner, a Quaker, was mistakenly informed that Stonehenge was a sacrificial site. Thus, the memorial was intended to remind visitors that we are still sacrificing humans -- to the god of war. So close, two points for effort.

Beyond the Law was a 1992 film starring Charlie Sheen as Dan Saxon, an undercover cop who must commit heinous crimes in order to infiltrate a biker gang. The movie is based on a true story, and the writer wrote the screenplay after reading an article on the subject in Playboy. How could Charlie Sheen have not starred in this movie?

The Department of Peace is a proposed Cabinet-level department of the US government. Though various politicians have pushed for it since 1793, no bill was introduced until 1935. Since then, it has been re-introduced 102(!) times. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) is responsible for nine of them.

I learned A LOT about Targa timing, which is a method of timing that was popular with road rallies back in the day. Timing used to be a logistical nightmare because courses were enormous, set in stages, and the winner was determined not by who completed the course the fastest, but by who was the closest to a pre-determined time for each stage. Targa timing simplified everything by lagging the clocks at each timing station appropriately; e.g. if it was supposed to take exactly 2 hours to reach a certain point, that clock would be lagged by exactly 2 hours, so the lead racer should hit it at exactly 00:00:00. Blah blah blah it was borderline illegal (it's complex), and was eventually banned in 1988.

Ransom Stephens is a particle physicist who, among other things, somehow invented a new type of matter. He apparently wrote a novel, too. I think he also wrote his own Wikipedia page because it reads like a self-indulgent physicist trying to sell a book nobody wants to read.

There's a lot more, but I know how much people really hate to read, so I'll cut myself off here. Congrats on your single serving of knowledge for the day.

Mondays

2011-01-31T10:30:00.000-05:00

This morning, I bumped my shin getting into the shower. Then I hit it again on my desk while getting dressed. Then I went downstairs and realized I forgot to buy milk yesterday. Then I couldn't find my coat and didn't have time to look for it because I was running late, which doesn't even make sense because I didn't eat breakfast for want of milk.

I hate Mondays.

Scape Goats and Symbolism

2010-11-30T10:59:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, President Obama announced that he will freeze automatic pay increases for civilian federal employees for two years. This includes me. While my pay is not being cut, I will not receive the $500 that I was kind of looking forward to. At the same time, the federal public transit subsidy, which currently stands at a maximum of $230 a month, is expected to be cut to $120 a month on January 1st. Fortunately, my subsidy is only $140 a month, so I can make up the difference by biking to Metro station that is closer to work. Many others (dare I say, most others) are not so fortunate. But I understand the decision, and while it's annoying, it's not the end of the world.

It's frustrating, though, because these are largely symbolic gestures. Federal salaries have been in the news a lot lately, mostly being lambasted for being too high (personally, I disagree - DC is an expensive place to live - but that's just my opinion). If Obama and Congress are serious about conquering the federal deficit, that's great, more power to them. But one thing that all Americans need to realize is that in order to do it, it's going to involve a lot of pain for every single person in the country. It is impossible to point to one group of people and say "if they would just do this thing differently, the deficit would disappear." That's not how this works.

So you want to freeze my pay and cut my transit subsidy? Fine. But do something else. Do something real. Don't let federal employees be scape goats for a problem whose solution is the burden of all Americans, regardless of employer.

For a look at how I would solve the deficit puzzle, click here. It's important to note, though, that there is some disagreement as to exactly how much money they would save/raise, as well as some cuts/new taxes that are not included at all. Still, it's a good introduction into the weightiness of the issue, and the obdurateness of the solution.

Short-Term Goals

2010-11-16T10:12:00.000-05:00

I took the GRE a few weeks ago. I did pretty well - 590 on the verbal and 730 on the quantitative, good for 84th and 77th percentiles, respectively. I'd like to get my quantitative up to around a 770 or 780, but I'm not going to take the test again until April or so. I know I'm going to have to set a date, pay for it, and not let myself move it, like I did last time, I'd just like to take a minute off from that.

My goal on this GRE was to get a 700 on the quantitative. I knew I wouldn't make 770 this time around, and I was (am) OK with that, but it was a matter of making progress. I wanted to see that the work I was doing was actually having an effect on my score. Since I surpassed 700 I feel great, and even though I know I still have work to do, I'm glad that I went into it shooting for the 700 and not the 770 - I'd rather beat a benchmark than fall short of a goal.

I went back to Ohio last weekend, and while walking by the building that houses the Economics department, I had a horrifyingly plan-altering revelation: I can get into grad school with my scores. I doubt I'd be able to get funding (which is why I'm pushing for the 780), but if I really hated my job that much (and trust me when I say that every day I hate it just a little more), I could have an application cooked up by December 1st and be back in school in September.

Of course, I know what a terrible idea that is. That leaves me with just two years of professional experience, which is statistically equivalent to no experience at all when trying to find a job after grad school. I have to have at least three years. It also means I'd be tossing the Peace Corp plan right out the window, which would rob me, and the entire remainder of my life, of having had the experience of living (and slaving my ass off) in another country.

I'd also have almost no savings. I've actually been doing a pretty good job of keeping my spending under control lately. I've noticed my bank account growing, thanks again to making short-terms goals. For example, I got paid on Saturday and my goal for the next two weeks is to not spend $600. That sounds easy, but I mean every dollar I spend must add up to less than $600. That includes my car payment, insurance, groceries, and credit card bill, which by themselves come out to about $550.

But I could do it - I could leave if I had to. And in that way, this small victory is a monumental triumph. I no longer feel trapped. Having realized that, there isn't a number large enough to describe how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

No Title Neccessary

2010-11-01T11:38:00.000-04:00

My Reader has hit a critical mass of 300 unread posts. The reasons for this vary from studying for the GRE, to work being really busy, to life being busy planning certain events, to simply not wanting to deal with 300 unread posts, to a myriad of other excuses. I'm not going to apologize for any of them. Life happens, sometimes things other than blogging take priority. It's happened to you and it happened to me. I'm slowly working my way through them all. In the meantime, here's a wrap up of the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear in case you couldn't make it.

I went down with five friends. The original intention was to be out the door by 8:15 and there by 9 so we could get some kickass seats. But we downed a bottle of tequila the night before, and didn't wake up until 8:15, so we weren't out of the house until 9. Still by 10:15 or so, we'd pulled off a pretty decent spot, all things considered. By 11:30, this is what the crowd looked like.

So yeah, it was pretty crowded.

At noon, the Roots came on and played a 40-minute set, half of which was with John Legend. It was glorious. Here's a clip of the Roots sans Legend so you can almost feel like you're there.

After the Roots came the Mythbusters, Adam and Jamie. They were recently in DC for the National Science Fair. It's possible that they were also filming an episode while they were here, word is that Barack Obama will appear on the December 8th episode, featuring the Archimedes Death Ray for the thousandth time.

Anyway, they conducted a series of fun "experiments" with the crowd, the first of which was seeing how long it would take for a wave to travel through a crowd of (what they thought was) 150,000 people (which turned out to be more like 215,000 people).

Then they saw if men or women could do the wave faster. Clearly, men have more practice with this and won by a full two seconds. DEAL WITH IT.

Finally, Jon and Stephen came on. Jon walked to the stage like a normal person, Stephen was hoisted up from his fear bunker 2000 feet below the surface of the earth in a Chilean miner rescue pod. At some point, Jon brought out Cat Stevens (who's apparently now known at Yusuf), to sing "Peace Train." Stephen didn't find this scary enough, and brought out Ozzy to sing "Crazy Train."

Stevens and Ozzy dueled trains for a while and my mind was blown by the fact that they were sharing a stage at all - and that Ozzy was still alive - until Jon and Stephen compromised by bringing on the O'Jays to sing "Love Train." (This video's not mine)

Other notable guests:
-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who showed Stephen that not all Muslims are scarey
-R2D2, who showed Stephen that not all robots are scarey
-Kid Rock + Sheryl Crow + T.I. (from prison) = one mediocre performance that I sat down for
-Father Guiddo Sarducci (Also not my video) (Just by happenstance, this random person was just a few feet behind me. You can actually see me turn around and look back at him at 0:41, I'm like right in the middle of the shot. I don't know if that's incredible, or incredibly creepy.)
-Fear itself, embodied in a giant puppet of Stephen Colbert. (photo source)

After John Oliver (dressed as Peter Pan for some reason) killed Stephen, Jon spent the lat 20 minutes being serious and saying things that were actually meaningful. Rolling Stone has the full transcript, but my favorite quotes were

Why would you reach across the aisle to a pumpkin assed forehead eyeball monster?

and

Not being able to distinguish between real racists and tea partiers, or real bigots and Juan Williams and Rich Sanchez is an insult -- not only to those people, but to the racists themselves, who have put forth the exhausting effort it takes to hate.

and

We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is ... torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day. The only place we don't is here [in Washington] or on cable TV.

So that's it. That's all you ever needed to know about the time when 215,000 people showed up and declared that they're not crazy, despite the whole event being batshit crazy.

Week 4 Recap and Week 5 Picks

2010-10-02T13:07:00.002-04:00

I'm going to do this all in one post for your convenience. For your inconvenience, it's a very long one. Soooo yeah. Do that you will with that.

My pick: Virginia Tech over Boston College
Actual: Virginia Tech over Boston College, by a score of 19-0
Finally, like I hoped would happen, Virginia Tech puts on a solid performance all around and has a win to show for it. It’s about damn time.

My pick: Alabama over Arkansas
Actual: Alabama over Arkansas, by a score of 24-20.
This was a rough game for Alabama, and they needed a late rally to avoid an upset. Mark Ingram was the carrier on the last eight straight running plays. Even with that, Arkansas very well could have won were it not for two very, very costly interceptions in the fourth quarter. I said before the weekend that even if they won, their #1 spot was in jeopardy and, well, we’ll get to that.

My pick: Notre Dame overcomes Brian Kelly’s monkey’s paw curse to beat Stanford
Actual: Nope. Still cursed.

My pick: South Carolina over Auburn
Actual: Auburn over South Carolina by a score of 35-27.
It looked very much like I was going to be spot on with this one – Auburn screwed the pooch early in the game and was going down in flames. But quietly and subtly they made their comeback. Kudos to them for not giving up like they so often do.

My pick: Baylor doesn’t play quite as bad as Rice
Actual: Baylor played quite a bit better than Rice, winning 30-13.
What can I say here? I didn’t even watch the game. I just saw the score and said “Right, well, better luck next year, I guess.”

My pick: Boise State over Oregon State by a lot
Actual: Boise State of Oregon State by a good chunk, but not “a lot” by Boise State’s standards
Considering that BSU has averaged a 24-point advantage in their last 17 (straight) wins, I guess 37-24 seems a little tepid. Then again, their largest margin of victory against a ranked opponent in the last two seasons was just 8-points. So by that measure, this was practically spectacular. It’s a shame the rest of their schedule is so weak – their next real challenger won’t be until Nevada in late November. Nevada has just just cracked the top 25 and there’s no guarantee that they’ll even stay there, because, well, it’s Nevada.

So I'm 4-2 this week, 3-2 last week, making me 7-4 for the season so far. Meh. I think it's alright considering I really try to stick to games I think will be close.

You’ll notice the top 15 is not in a table format. There's a reason for that, but it's a long story so I'm not going to bother explaining it. It has a lot to do with the reason these are going up Saturday afternoon.

   Last week
1) Ohio State Alabama
2) Alabama Ohio State
3) Boise Boise
4) Nebraska TCU
5) TCU Nebraska
6) Oregon Oregon
7) Florida Florida
8) LSU Arkansas
9) Utah Oklahoma
10) Auburn Texas
11) Stanford   LSU
12) Arkansas UTAH
13) Wisconsin Wisconsin
14) Oklahoma S Carolina
15) Arizona Arizona

Ohio State and Alabama     This has nothing do with Ohio State’s 73-point offensive atomic bomb. Rather, it has more to do with Ohio State performing better and better. It took cojones to come out and play Miami in the second game of the season. AP puts Arkansas right above Miami, and Coaches have them separated by just one spot. Yet when Ohio State handily beats Miami and Alabama just barely scrapes by against Arkansas, Alabama doesn’t budge. It’s good to see that baseless hatred for Ohio State hasn’t gone out of fashion. But I will say this: in the next two weeks, Bama plays #7 Florida and #20 South Carolina, while Ohio State plays Illinois and Indiana. So it’s highly likely that things will switch back. So there.

Boise thru Oregon    I can’t put Boise over Ohio State or Alabama for obvious reasons. But I’m not even going to consider putting Nebraska over Boise until after they play Texas in two weeks. TCU is beginning their inevitable slide toward mediocrity that accompanies their mediocre scheduling. I am still not impressed by Oregon’s insistence on running up the score, plus I want to give them some room to move up if/when they beat Stanford next weekend.

Florida     I’m going to chock this one up to my rankings being based largely on how I believe teams will perform in the future. Ergo, Florida finally has the solid all-around game I knew they were capable of, and they don’t move.

LSU and Utah     Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Texas all had to get moved down, and there wasn’t really anybody who deserved to be above these teams, so they get a somewhat artificial 3-spot boost.

Auburn thru Arkansas     This is where things got tough. I put Auburn over Stanford because I think Auburns opponent – South Carolina – is better (or, failing that, marginally less cursed) than Stanford’s opponent – Notre Dame (THE TURKEY’S A LITTLE DRY!! OH, FOE, THE CURSED TEETH! WHAT DEMON FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL CREATED THEE?!)(<--continuation of last week’s Simpsons joke) concerning Arkansas, I am of the school of thought that when a team loses to a top-five team in a close game, you either you really can’t penalize them too much. It was a hell of a game that they fought to the bitter end and had it not been for those two unfortunate interceptions in the fourth quarter, things could have shaken out very differently. That having been said, they didn’t.

Wisconsin and Oklahoma     Wisconsin ran the score up in a way that very few Big Ten teams are capable of doing these days, positively toppling Austin Peay 70-3. Then again, as things would have it, Austin Peay is apparently not even a good team by DI-AA standards, much less Big Ten. So congrats on proving absolutely nothing and thus not moving an inch. Oklahoma I honestly don’t know what to do with, seeing as they just seem to play like crap against crappy teams but really well against really good teams. They’re going to bounce around until they do something A) impressive, or B) incredibly dumb.

NOTABLY STILL NOT FEATURED     Michigan did finally have that solid overall performance I was looking for. Interestingly enough, Denard Robinson was injured and it was Tate Forcier, widely regarded to be a lesser quarterback, who made it happen. Rumor has it that Robinson will be back this week. They’re approaching Top-20 territory, but I’d like to see one more solid game out of them before having any kind of faith in a team that has twice in a row started out well and crumbled later in the season.

NEWLY NOTABLY NOT FEATURED     Texas. What have I been saying about Texas the entire season? I’d put them around 10 and wait until they give me a reason to do otherwise. Well, I’d say losing to UCLA 34-12 is just such a reason. Down ya go.

Right. Now that that's out of the way, picks for Week 5.

Vanderbilt at Connecticut     Statistically, UConn is a better team, but their opponents have been pretty weak - they're getting a pretty big boost from a 62-3 blowout of Texas Southern. Vandy might be 1-2, but LSU and Ole Miss back to back does not a cakewalk make. I'm going with Vandy.

#21 Texas vs #8 Oklahoma     Oh, what to do, what to do. One team has been consistently scraping by, the other one was consistently scraping by until recently. I think I have to pick Oklahoma here, if only because Texas has too many fundamental problems that you just can't fix in a week. Plus, Oklahoma really does seem to their best work against their strongest opponents.

#9 Stanford at #4 Oregon I'm going to give this to Oregon for one reason and one reason alone: Playing in that stadium is like playing inside a swarm of bees. Very angry bees.

Notre Dame at Boston College I'm going to give Notre Dame one more chance before I give up on them entirely.

#22 Penn State at #17 Iowa This ought to be a hell of a game no matter how you look at it. I'm going to go with Iowa, though. They've been playing better than Penn State this season and, I don't know, I just have this gut feeling... I don't have faith in Penn State this week.

To Catch a Predator

2010-09-30T08:16:00.000-04:00

Last time I went back to Ohio State, Max and I were sitting in the Ohio Union waiting for a friend, when Max decided that we should attend a lecture from Brian Bushwood, the man behind Scam School. What, exactly, is Scam School? It's a series of online "classes" (read: youtube clips) that teaches you how to scam the hell out of people. The purpose being that if you know how to scam the hell out of people, you will recognize the tricks of a scammer and won't get the hell scammed out of yourself. It has, in reality, really paid off and I highly recommend it. Like yesterday...

My parents bought me an iPhone for my birthday (thanks again :D), which I've been drooling over for a while. This effectively rendered useless the iPod I bought for myself back in December. Since I resolved to sell things on Craigslist that I don't need anymore, it's gotta go. Some things have sell easily, others... well, just read these emails.

Wannabe scammer: Do you still have this item up for sale?

Me: Yes, it is still for sale.

Wanna scammer, from a different email address: In fact I'm really interested in the immediately purchase of this item for my daughter as a B'day Gift,do you still have the Original packing? i will like to see the attached picture of the item maybe is still in good condition.i will be offering you $300.00 USD for the total cost including shipping Via USPS Express Mail.i will be paying Via PayPal. so Kindly reply me back now with your Confirmed PayPal email address so i can transfer the fund into your PayPal account ASAP. hope to hearing back from you.

[It's at this point that I feel like something's wrong. Granted, this is written very much like one of those "YOU JUST WON THE NIGERIAN LOTTERY" emails, but could just as well be written by someone who doesn't speak English very well]

Me: I'm sorry, but I no longer have the original packaging, and I'm not comfortable shipping this item.

Wannabe scammer, from yet another email address: Why?? it's because of the scam online now...i want you to know that i am a legit buyer, also PayPal verified member, so you have nothing to fear about and that is why i said i will send out the payment first before you ship the item, so get back to me with your PayPal account ID for the payment,waiting for your reply.

[It's a common tactic for a scammer to tell you that there's a scam. It's supposed to make you think "Oh, this guy's not one of them because he wouldn't tell me about the racket if he were in it." When he mentions paying before I ship, I remember specifically something I read about a PayPal scam...]

Me: Yes that has a lot to do with it. The way the scam works is that you pay me, I ship the item, you complain that it's damaged or not what you pay for or something like that, and then paypal takes my money and gives it back to you. Thus, I am left with no iPod and no money.

The fact that you offered 1.5 times my asking price and are willing to pay before I ship, might seem like a dream to a normal seller, but I am an economist. I specialize in risk. And when something is too good to be true, it almost invariably is.

Also, every time you contact me, it's through a different email address.

No dice, buddy. Better luck next time.

I'd like to thank Brian Bushwood and Scam School, because he's the one who first told me that if you feel like something's wrong, it probably is. Shut them down immediately and GTFO.

But here's a question for you: if you hadn't read this post, would you have sold it to this guy? Would his willingness to pay $100 extra and pay before you ship have convinced you that he is legit despite is poor language skills?

Fun With Punctuation

2010-09-27T13:21:00.003-04:00

Anyone who reads The Oatmeal (if you don't, you should) may have learned the other day about the interrobang. What, you might be asking yourself, exactly is an interrobang? Despite it's devious name, it's not an unorthodox method of questioning the police only use when the cameras just so happen to disconnect themselves. Rather, it's a punctuation mark. This is an interrobang.

‽

It's a combination of a question mark and an exclamation point, and is sometimes called a quesclamation mark. It is used to indicate exactly what a question mark and an exclamation point are used to indicate surprise and alarm. So instead of saying "WHAT THE HELL?!" you could say "WHAT THE HELL‽"

After I learned about the wonderful interrobang, I thought it'd be fun to enlighten the five or six people who read this blog on some wonderfully under-used punctuation marks that I found on Wikipedia.

A close cousin to the interrobang, though with a much less interesting name, the irony/sarcasm punctuation mark, which is a backward question mark.

Next, one that I think most people will be familiar with, that paragraph sign. I bring this one to you not because I don't think you know it, but because I don't think you know it's actual name - the pilcrow. I like it.

You're probably also familiar with the percent sign, %. But have you ever seen a permille, which indicates parts per thousand, as a opposed to parts per hundred?

‰

Or how about a permyriad, which indicates parts per ten thousand?

‱

Another one that I liked is the interpunct. You've probably seen it in a dictionary to indicate syllibifcation, but but the ancient Greeks used it first as a way to separate words. Using a space to separate them didn't evolve until much later.

Lorem·ipsum

Finally, I bring to you a generic symbol for currency. I saw this once in an economics paper, where the currency being exchanged was "Utils," an arbitrary unit of measure for "utility," or happiness. Because no symbol exists for using utility as a currency, the author used (what I now recognize to be) the symbol for general currency.

So that was my morning, hopefully your computer can actually read all those symbols because this is definitely something worth whipping out at a party.

Week 4 Picks

2010-09-23T16:54:00.000-04:00

My friend Max is coming in from Ohio this weekend. He doesn’t really like football, but he likes the parties that come from football, so it should be a good time. So here are my picks for the weekend. (For the record, I do this mostly for my own personal satisfaction, so that I can say I was right later on. If you don't like football, don't feel compelled to read this whole thing. Lord knows I wouldn't.)

NC State at Georgia Tech     GT has a solid running game, make no mistake about it. Problem is, they’re sort of a one-trick pony. I don’t care of that trick is the triple option, the more times you run that play, the easier time opponents will have stopping it. NC State has had a rough couple of weeks, and I don’t expect this one to be any different, but I also don’t expect GT to take to the air. Plus, they outrank the Yellow Jackets in both points and points allowed. I’m giving this one to NC State.

Virginia Tech at Boston College     It’s unbelievable how bad VT’s been playing these last two weeks. But BC hasn’t really played at all. Weber State and Kent State? Come on. And they didn’t even play that well against those two! Here’s to VT hopefully finally having a solid game, and a W to show for it.

#1 Alabama at #10 Arkansas     This ought to be a hell of a game. Both teams have explosive offenses and stingy defenses. In the end, I think Ingram and Richardson are going to win it for Alabama. But a win might not guarantee that they keep their #1 rank put on an exceptional performance.

#16 Stanford at Notre Dame     Notre Dame is cursed. Seriously, it’s like Brian Kelly got a monkey’s paw and wished to be the head coach of Notre Dame, forgetting to mention that Notre Dame should also have a good season. THE TURKEY’S A LITTLE DRY! <-- Simpsons joke. Meanwhile, Stanford hasn’t really played anybody on par with Michigan State and ~~Michigan~~ Denard Robinson. They got to #16 the same way so many other overrated teams did: running up the score. I know I said last week that the Irish weren’t that good, and I still don’t think they’re that good, but I think they’re better than Stanford. Moreover, I think they’re due. Touchdown Jesus FOR THE WIN!

#12 South Carolina at #17 Auburn Auburn has had a really rough couple of weeks that really shouldn’t have been so rough. South Carolina has been playing consistently decent football. It’s going to be a close game, but I think Auburn’s going to find a way to screw it up.

Baylor at Rice    Ah, the annual contest to see who's better at losing. Baylor has actually had a decent season so far, by which I mean they put up a full 10 points against TCU. Rice has gotten blown out twice and won the other game by one point at the last minute. So I'm thinking Baylor is less likely to screw it up this week.

#24 Oregon State at #3 Boise State     Every game I've picked so far is likely to be a close one, so i thought I'd take one and put it in the "gimme" column. In Boise's never-ending quest for legitimacy in the eyes of the the BCS, they relentlessly slaughter any team that steps onto the smurf turf whose name is preceded by a rank. They do it all. the. time.

OTHER GAMES TO KEEP AN EYE ON THIS WEEKEND

Bowling Green at #21 Michigan     Theoretically, Michigan should bowl right over Bowling Green (see what I did there?). But as I’ve said before, Denard Robinson is practically a one-man team right now, something’s gotta give. I’m not putting Michigan on upset watch, but if they do get upset, I won’t be surprised.

#7 Oklahoma at Cincinnati     Oklahoma’s had two very close calls against two teams that should not have been close calls. Ironically, they played their best against their toughest opponent. Cinci’s not that good, so maybe they’ll get upset. Then again Cinci’s not that good.

Skiing and Alcoholism

2010-09-22T08:30:00.000-04:00

The other day on the Metro, I saw an ad for the Ski Club of Washington DC. It's pretty odd to see an ad like this because nine times out of ten the only organizations who can afford ad space on the metro are blue-chip, Fortune 100 companies or rich and powerful lobbies. So we have ads for things like Shell Oil, Lockheed Martin, Oracle, and sometimes something for or against the new F-22 Raptors. The fact that these others guys have enough money to even get this space intrigued me enough to keep reading. Turns out, they have nightly happy hours.

This was reminiscent of the Ohio State Ski Club. My roommates and I attended their information session freshman year, which was held in a 500-person lecture hall. Their main attraction was their weekly "meetings," which were held at a bar and included a few "barrels" of a "select beverage," which you could only have if you were over 21. If you were under 21 certain arrangements could be arranged. Of all the clubs at Ohio State, the Ski Club was one of the few that was able to get away with such blatant provision of alcohol, and to minors at that. Certainly, they were the largest.

I didn't join the Ski Club.

One of my roommates, however, did join the Ski Team, which generally limited their drinking to the weekends, right before race day. Their members were more lackadaisical, their parties goofier, their friends more friendly. One night, a friend of mine slammed his head into the freezer until it dented. The freezer, I mean. Actually, his head may have dented, too... it wouldn't have made a difference either way. Anyway, this knocked a bottle of maple syrup into someone's hands, who promptly chugged it. This behavior was not considered abnormal in any way.

Later that night, some friends and I placed a U Weekly magazine rack on top of a bus station. I climbed a tree (2) and jumped three or four feet onto the top of the gazebo (3), they heaved it up as high as they could, then I pulled it up the rest of the way (1). The next morning, The Powers That Be had to kludge up a crane to get it down, and a week after that all the magazine racks on campus were chained to lamp posts or other such stationary objects. They remain chained up to this day.

And that's the story of the lasting impact that I had on my Alma Mater.

Week 3: This Isn't Old Yet

2010-09-20T13:50:00.001-04:00

Alright, I promise this week I'll get up at least one post that's not about football. Or if it is about football, it won't be rankings and game recaps. Promise. I'm working on a little research into whether or not teams run the score up in the game following an upset. A sort of "rage bonus," if you will. It's tedious, but all I think about is this time when one of my econometrics professors described the process of running a regression back in the day. As in before computers were powerful enough to do this. One regression - one fairly simple regression - would involve half the department working straight through the weekend (sometimes all night) and being subject to an amount of coffee statistically significantly greater than that which is considered "safe" by "normal" people.

Of course, nobody checked to see if that amount of coffee was actually statistically significant because they would've had to have run a regression, which would have taken all weekend.

SCIENCE!

Anyway. Let's take a look at how my picks faired for the week.

My pick: Iowa over Arizona
Actual: Arizona over Iowa, by a score of 34-27
In the week leading up to the game, Iowa fans were decrying their fall in the Coaches poll after a solid couple of weeks. Adam Rittenberg (the ESPN Big Ten blogger) had this to say on the subject: "Want national respect, Hawkeyes? Go to Arizona and get some."And in having lost, Iowa has proved to their fans exactly why Iowa is not yet considered a threat on the national level. Key word, though: "yet." They'll get there, I'm sure. It's just going to take a while.

My pick: Virginia Tech over Eastern Carolina
Actual: VT over ECU, by a score of 49-27
My heart nearly dropped when I checked in at halftime to see VT trailing by three. But once the VT defense found a way to get to ECU's quarterback, things started to fall in line. VT kept it on the ground and marched down the field for 28 points in the second half. It's got to be frustrating to be on an offense where it's all you can do to keep the ball for as long as possible so the defense doesn't have enough time to lay to waste the best laid plans of men.

My pick: Florida State over Brigham Young
Actual: Florida State over Brigham Young, by a score of 34-10
This was probably the only game that played out exactly how I thought it would. The FSU offense played as well as they ever have, but the difference between this week and last is that the defense actually showed up and stopped a powerful BYU running game in their tracks. They were held to just 76 yards - not even the full length of the field.

My pick: Tennessee upsets the hell out of Florida
Actual: FAIL, by a score of IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER
Same story, different players. Florida has a terrible first half, Brantley fumbles once or twice, and I'm pretty sure they're actually going to bite it this time. Then things picked up in the second half and whatdyaknow, Florida wins. Fine. If that's how it's going to be all season, fine. They've got Alabama and LSU on deck, so we'll see how well that goes.

My pick: Michigan State over Notre Dame
Actual: Michigan State over Notre Dame, by a score of 34-31 in overtime
By far, the most exciting game I watched all weekend. My dad and I stayed up to watch the end (my mom was there too, but I'm not sure if she was actually watching the game or just awake because everyone else was). The whole game was back and forth - MSU scores, ND scores, MSU scores, ND scores. Then in overtime ND is forced to settle for a field goal, and MSU responds by faking a field goal for a touch down! Have I ever mentioned how much I love trick plays? This win made me happy.

So I went 3-2. Not bad considering only one of those games was supposed to be a gimme (VT v ECU), and it was still only the third week of the season.

	week 3	ap	coaches	last week
1	bama	bama	bama	bama
2	ohio state	ohio state	ohio state	ohio state
3	tcu	boise	boise	tcu
4	boise	tcu	texas	boise
5	nebraska	oregon	tcu	oregon
6	oregon	nebraska	oregon	oklahoma
7	florida	texas	nebraska	nebraska
8	arkansas	oklahoma	florida	florida
9	oklahoma	florida	oklahoma	texas
10	texas	arkansas	wisconsin	iowa
11	lsu	wisconsin	arkansas	arkansas
12	utah	s carolina	lsu	wisconsin
13	wisconsin	utah	utah	miami
14	s carolina	zona	auburn	lsu
15	zona	lsu	s carolina	s carolina
16		stanford	zona
17		auburn	stanford
18		iowa	iowa
19		miami	miami
20		usc	penn state
21		michigan	wvu
22		wvu	michigan
23		penn state	michigan st
24		oregon st	mizzou
25		michigan st	ok state

Bama thru Boise    I saw no reason to change anything here. They all played very well against teams that were all expected to play very well against. This coming weekend, Boise and Alabama both play ranked opponents. So things could get shaken up, but will likely be cemented for a while thereafter.

Nebraska thru Oklahoma    This whole section is a fairly arbitrary rearrangement of the same teams, with the addition of Arkansas. To be perfectly honest, I would have been content not moving anyone from last week's top 10, but I wanted to get Arkansas in there, which meant some things had to get moved around.

Texas    After having nearly lost to Texas Tech, one AP voter still insists on giving them the #1 vote. I'd go through all the ballots to figure out who it is, but I'm too lazy for that. One thing I did check, though: it's not one of the guys who lives in Texas. So I'm pretty much out of ideas.

LSU Why not? It's week three, after all.

Utah    OH HAI, UTES! I mean, they beat Pitt in their first week and have performed more consistently than a lot of other teams. So they get their due, I suppose. Again, still week three.

Wiscy thru Zona    Wisconsin and South Carolina get bumped up for the simple fact that Iowa had to go and I was left with a void that I felt uncomfortable filling with Zona. They played a great game for sure, but I think moreover than anything else I learned this week by just how much I had overestimated Iowa.

NOTABLY STILL NOT FEATURED    ~~Michigan~~ Denard Robinson escapes embarrassment at the hands of a second DI-AA team in as many seasons. The defense took the Redskins approach to making an otherwise decent game into a heart attack-inducing crisis: take an 18-point lead into the 4th quarter, and then screw it up. Almost identical to last week, Robinson took 17 of the team's 42 runs (last week: 18 and 41, respectively). Two more games, I say. If Denard Robinson wins two more games, he's in the top 15.

Oh, right, and Maryland failed to avoid failure, falling to West Virginia 31-17. But West Virginia is pretty good this year, and that was a game the Terps were never going to win anyway, so I feel bad posting a fail boat for that one. Just have to wait til next week...

Week 2: Legitimate Wins and Illigitimate Losses.

2010-09-15T15:32:00.002-04:00

First of all, I'm proud of myself because No Procrastination Wednesday is going pretty well. The only thing I haven't done is clean my desk. And that's probably just not going to happen today. But four out of five ain't bad. On to the important stuff.

Due to the Vampire Weekend concert Saturday, I once again didn't watch too many games. But this has got to be the most beautiful thing I saw in all of the replays.

That right there was 288 pounds of Ohio pride bowling down the field at speeds unlike those legs have ever seen. Honestly, that's about all you need to know about the Ohio State - Miami game. Jacory Harris threw four interceptions, which is an awful thing to have happen against any team, much less one that insists on mercilessly beating offenses for every little mistake. I don't remember the last time I saw a game where the Buckeyes defense didn't score.

Other games will be discussed after the rankings.

	week 2	ap	coaches	last week
1	bama	bama	bama	bama
2	ohio state	ohio state	ohio state	ohio state
3	tcu	boise	boise	boise
4	boise	tcu	texas	tcu
5	oregon	oregon	tcu	oregon
6	oklahoma	texas	oregon	nebraska
7	nebraska	oklahoma	florida	florida
8	florida	nebraska	nebraska	miami
9	texas	iowa	oklahoma	vt
10	iowa	florida	iowa	arkansas
11	arkansas	wiscy	wiscy	iowa*
12	wiscy	arkansas	lsu	texas*
13	miami	s carolina	arkansas	wiscy*
14	lsu	utah	utah	oklahoma*
15	s carolina	lsu	auburn	gt*
16		auburn	s carolina
17		miami	miami
18		usc	arizona
19		stanford	stanford
20		michigan	penn state
21		wvu	wvu
22		penn state	michigan
23		houston	houston
24		arizona	cal
25		oreg st	mizzou

Bama    OK, so they beat Penn State 24-3. But let's just be honest with ourselves, Penn State had a freshman quarterback, playing his first big game against the defending national champions on their home territory. Clearly, this was not going to go well. What upsets me is that if/when it comes down to Ohio State and Alabama for the National Championship, all the media's going to talk about is how bad Alabama beat Penn State. I'll be honest, I was tempted to put Ohio State over Alabama because I truly believe Ohio State has performed just as well against superior opponents, but decided to leave things the way they are for at least another week because I also truly believe that if Ohio State played Alabama this weekend, they'd lose.

TCU and Boise Boise beats VT. Then James Madison University, beats VT. JMU has never beaten a top-25 team. This does not reflect well for Boise, who've been trying so damn hard to be a legitimate team. I'm sorry to knock them down, but what can I do? TCU is too damn good.

Oregon    Oregon has scored 120 points in 120 minutes. Wonderful. Moving along...

Oklahoma and Nebraska    Don't think of this as me having moved Nebraska down a peg, but rather the only way I could think of to make room for Oklahoma, simultaneously dealing with a notable lack of integers between 5 and 6. I was wary of the Sooners last week, but if they perform well against Air Force this weekend, they might get bumped up above Boise.

Tejas    All of the pollsters seem to be in love with the Longhorns. One of the AP voters actually put them in first place and I can't figure out for the love of God why. They haven't done anything. They've played pretty well against some teams that they expected to pretty well against. Things don't get tough for them until October and I have to say, they might have broken out of the four-way tie for 11th, but until I see them actually play a real game against a real opponent, they're not moving far from 10.

Miami    I don't like to knock a team too hard for losing a hard-fought game. Especially teams that I think still have a lot of potential and will come back. I'd like to say "look for them to move up in other polls and remain stationary in mine," but...

VT    *facepalm*

NOTABLY NOT FEATURED    Michigan has played surprisingly well for the last two weeks. I'm not ready to put them in the top 15, not even the top 25, really. While their new quarterback, Denard Robinson, does seem to have a knack for single-handedly dismantling very well-mantled defenses, the problem is just that: he is doing it all by himself; zero help from anyone else. Football is a team sport, he can't keep those kinds of shenanigans up forever. If he's still Atlas-ing it by week five, I'll put Denard - and only Denard - in the top 15. (Of course, there's two sides to every coin, and it could be that he's just a selfish ball-hog. But I can't blame him, evidenced on what happens when he actually does give up the ball. Which is absolutely nothing, at best.)

Now that we've got a couple games on the scoreboard, I feel comfortable making some picks for this weekend.

#9 Iowa at #24 Arizona    I'm going to go with Iowa here. They got knocked back in the Coaches poll this week, and they're pretty pissed off about this. Coach Kirk Ferentz doesn't like to run the score up because, like most of Big Ten coaches, he's got some pretty conservative views when it comes to sportsmanship. But look for him to keep the starters in much longer this week and try to make a statement.

ECU at Virginia Tech    After a rather embarrassing loss toe JMU last week, VT is looking for revenge. Look for them to go back to the old ground-and-pound running game to try and regain some semblance of respect.

Brigham Young at Florida State    This is a toughie, but I'm going to give it to Florida State at home. Their offense actually didn't do half bad against a normally very stingy Oklahoma defense (averaged 13 points allowed last season, including three goose eggs). If the defense had bothered to show up... who knows.

#10 Florida at Tennessee    I'm putting Florida on upset watch. Last week, ~~they~~ Tennessee played Oregon and handled the powerful and fast offense very well for the first half. Florida is not as powerful and not as fast, and they've had rocky first halves in both of their games. They got away with it against Mid-American and Big East schools, but the SEC is a different animal all together, and now that The Baby Rhino is gone, every one of them is chomping at the bit just to get a piece of them. These defenses are used to playing a quarterback who could stiff arm a linebacker into the stone age. Brantley, Tebow's successor, has -25 (negative twenty-five) yards rushing.

Notre Dame at Michigan State    Last week's loss to Michigan (or more accurately, their loss to Denard Robinson) tells me one thing: Notre Dame isn't that good. They had one guy to stop. It wasn't like he gave the ball to anyone else very often; Michigan made 81 plays, 41 of them were runs and Robinson took it 28 times of those 41. He had the ball for 18 of the 22 runs in the second half! I mean COME ON! Michigan State has two fully functioning running backs - exactly twice as many as Michigan - and receivers that are at least as good, so I'm picking them.

You Can't Always Get What You Want, But If You Try Sometimes...

2010-09-13T14:15:00.000-04:00

My bank account just yelled at me. This happens pretty much every time I look at it, but it was especially upset with me this time because moving cost me a lot of money. I'm not going to say how much, but suffice it to say that between my previous apartment's move-out/cleaning fees, losing the keys to my car, and the security deposit on the new house, and the ridonkulously high new insurance premium for living in DC proper, my monies have taken a beating. It's time I get my wallet/life in order, and some things need to change. Seeing as Thursday was the Jewish new year, I guess it's an appropriate time to make some resolutions.

I will make lunch at home. I will not buy it more than once a week. Buying lunch more than once a week forfeits my right to buy lunch at all the next week.
I will make coffee at my desk.
I will buy those little 8oz cans of soda.
I will eat vegetarian at least one day a week. Say, Monday.
I will eat more fruit.
I will buy cereal and milk when I run out, not after having bought breakfast for two days.
I will ask about drink specials when I go out, and I will not be pretentious about my beer when the specials are good.
I will pregame, and not with the good whiskey.
I will not eat out by myself, and I will take food home Sunday through Thursday.
I will not drive anywhere less than three miles. I will not take the Metro anywhere less than two. Until it gets cold, I will not pay for cabs, I will take my bike.
I will buy a Kryptonite lock, to protect my bike.
I will sell things on Craigslist when I don't need them anymore and revenue will be earmarked for other expenses.
I will not procrastinate. On Wednesdays. Wednesdays will be do-or-die day.
I will cancel my subscription to ESPN Insider after football season.
I will study for the GRE for real.
I will stop paying money to hang out in lieu of doing things that I really should do, that are much less expensive like cleaning my bike.
I will finish weeding my mother's garden and trimming the gigantic mimosa tree before it gets too cold.
I will stop hitting the snooze button so often.
I will clean my desk occasionally.
I will print off this list and post it all over the damn place, so I don't forget about this.

Truth be told, I wrote this post last week. I've been doing a good chunk of this for the past few days and it's been going pretty well. Problem is that as I sit here having just washed the french press I used to make my morning coffee, sipping my 8oz coke after a delicious lunch of leftover tofu that I saved from last night's dinner (rode my bike to and from), I have a fear that I'm in stage two of Allie Brosh's never-ending cycle of why I (we?) will never be an adult. It's the part where I start to feel accomplished and am approaching self-congratularity. (Hell yeah, that's a word.) (And credit to Allie Brosh for the image to the left)

Football stuff will be out tomorrow or Wednesday. Probably Wednesday because I'm going to procrastinate until then.

Football is Back

2010-09-07T17:39:00.002-04:00

Back when this was a football statistics blog, I'm pretty sure there were about four or five people reading it. I'm proud to say that it's now up to about eight or nine and I feel anxious about returning to my previous topic for fear of boring the hell and losing those readers that I worked so hard to get. But back when football season ended and I decided to start writing about whatever the hell I wanted, I said I was making the conscious decision to do just that: write about whatever the hell I wanted. I wasn't going to avoid football, it's just that well, there wasn't much football to talk about.

That's all changed.

Ladies and gents, football season started up again this past weekend, and I couldn't be happier. For those of you who weren't around back in the day, let me explain how this works: I usually run through some of the notable games of the week, then rank my top 15 teams. It usually looks an awful lot like the AP and Coaches polls (the BCS poll doesn't start for another few weeks), though there are often some notable exceptions. For example, I often felt that Cinci was waaaay overrated last season; a position which I stand by, given their 28-14 loss to Fresno State this past Saturday. (I know every season brings new challenges and for them it's the loss of a star quarterback and coach, but come on. If Ohio State lost Pryor and Tressel, they still would have trampled Marshall) Then I have some kind of an explanation of my rankings.

I didn't have a lot of time to watch games this past weekend because I spent the last four days running around seven states, and most of the games were powderpuff week 1 match-ups anyway. So I'll just go straight to the rankings.

1) Alabama
2) Ohio State
3) Boise State
4) TCU
5) Oregon
6) Nebraska
7) Florida
8) Miami (FL)
9) Virginia Tech
10) Arkansas
11) Texas
11) Iowa
11) Wisconsin
11) Oklahoma
11) Georgia Tech

Ohio State and Boise    I spent a good chunk of time deciding who to put ahead of who here. On the one hand, Boise played well against a real opponent (Virginia Tech). On the other hand, Ohio State put up more points against Marshall than they did in all but one game last season (NM State). In the end I decided to give it to OSU because they played more consistently, and I like consistency in a team. We will learn a lot more about them next week against Miami, whose quarterback's 80% completion rate was only part of a squeaky-clean offensive performance.

Oregon    I don't like to reward racking up points on a weak opponent, and Oregon's 72-0 discombobulation of New Mexico certainly qualifies as just such a racking up of points. I think they're still reeling from their loss to Ohio State in the Rose Bowl and wanted to prove that they can still move the ball. But I boost them for their impressive defensive effort. They haven't held a team to single digits since October 3rd, and averaged 21.3 points allowed last season. There were 22 games played by the top 25 teams this past weekend, three of them were shutouts. This is not unusual. What is unusual is that Oregon was one of them, and nobody seems to be giving them credit for it. Credit: given.

VT    Figuring out where, exactly, to put these guys was tough. The AP and Coaches have them at 13 for their loss. But considering they came back from a 17-point deficit and fought literally to the last minute to hold their lead, I think they played a pretty good game. Considering that everyone else's games were more like scrimmages, I think we learned a great deal more about VT than most anyone else. And I think we learned that they are still a force to be reckoned with. In the coming month or so, look for them to move up in the polls and remain stationary in mine.

Texas thru GT    I could have done a top 10, but it would have been tough figuring out who to put on the cusp. So I made it a mass tie for 11th, in that they're a tier above the blob of teams that played solid "blah" games against solid "meh" opponents that I would've put in 16-25, but a tier below the teams in 1-10 that actually have discernible ranks and reasons for them.
Texas was a mess in the first half and had to stave off a comeback.
Iowa had a couple nearly-costly turnovers and was just overall boring.
Wisconsin tied Northwestern for most points allowed in the Big Ten.
Oklahoma played clumsily, and was lucky that Utah State did as well.
Georgia Tech was 2-8 passing including an interception, and averaged 6.6 yards rushing with only three runs above 20 yards. I don't honestly know how they scored 41 points, but the fact that they did intrigues me enough to keep them in the five-way tie.

One of the traditions I had here last season was the Michigan Pain Train. That is, every time Michigan lost (which was pretty damn often), I posted a picture of a train wreck. I'm happy(ish) to report that they successfully avoided failure this week. So here's a picture of a train, completely intact. Treasure this one.

Another tradition I had was the Maryland Fail Boat. That is, every time Maryland lost (which, again, was pretty damn often) I posted a picture of a shipwreck. Maryland surprised me by successfully avoided failure by, literally, something within a couple inches of the screen on which you are reading these very words. And for that impressive show goal-line defense, I present you with a picture of a boat successfully sailing the mighty seas. No word on whether or not T-Pain is aboard.

Oh football, how I've missed you.

An Essay on Tolerance

2010-08-24T11:31:00.001-04:00

Voltaire is often quoted to have said "I disapprove of what you say, but will defend to the death your right to say it." This is actually a misquote; he never said that at all. What he did say, though, was "Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so." Close, but it's a pet peeve of mine when people get it wrong, like misquoting a movie.

I know a pet peeve of at least a few of my friends is the way I always seem so passé when people get all riled up about political arguments. They will often say things like “Why don’t you care more?” and “I can’t believe you’re not more pissed off about this!” The truth of the matter is that it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that, well, Voltaire and I are kinda BFF. Maybe I’m just too good at putting myself in other peoples’ shoes – I see where they’re coming from, I understand their position, and as moronic and ignorant I might believe it to be, they have every right to believe it. I know I’ll never change their mind and a circular argument would ultimate break down into pointing out grammar mistakes and questioning one another’s sexual preferences. So I let it go.

But I can't do that when it comes to Park51 – the so-called “Ground Zero Mosque.”

First, let’s clear up one misconception: Park51 is not a Mosque, it’s a Muslim Community Center. Yes, it will be filled with Muslims and there will be room to say prayers, but there will also be art galleries, a gym, an auditorium, etc. An MCC is no more a Mosque than a JCC is a Synagogue, or a YMCA is a church. I think it’s important to note that there is a legit Mosque four blocks from Park51.

Putting the MCC near Ground Zero has been equated (by I forget who) with putting a Nazi memorial next to the Holocaust Museum. This is not correct. If anything, it’d be more like putting the German embassy next to the Israeli embassy, which still isn't really accurate. (For the record, the Israeli and Austrian embassies are separated by a scant 1000 feet.)

To be honest, the only argument I can find (and trust me, I’ve been looking) against Park51 is that that space is “hallowed ground,” being two blocks from the former site of the Twin Towers. So what exactly makes the place “hallowed?” Was it the devastation that occurred there on 9/11? Well, what about the Park East Synagogue? Never heard of it? It's just three blocks from Bernie Madoff’s former building. Granted, Bernie Madoff didn’t murder 2,000 innocent people, but he stole $65,000,000,000, effectively ruining countless innocent lives.

Even if the place is hallowed ground, what, exactly, is wrong with putting an MCC near it? What makes it so much different from anything else that’s been built without making headlines? The only response I’ve been able to find is that it’s insensitive to the victims and their families. But again, the question arises: what is so insensitive about it? Again, why is an MCC so different from whatever was in that building before? OK, let’s just stop beating around the bush – it’s that whole Muslim thing. You know it, I know it, we all know it.

Just say it out loud, “Muslims freak me out.” It’s ok, you’ll feel better afterward. The is the only way to make progress is to admit the problem. Once you admit that you are having trouble separating Islam from terrorism you can begin to learn the distinction between the two. (Note on the picture below: I found it online, but am 99% confident that I actually saw this truck when I lived in Virginia.)

The Park51 folks want nothing more than to build a religious community, a right that’s guaranteed to every person in this country by the First Amendment. Their religion does not harm you or this country in any way. When manipulated, distorted, and bastardized, it can, but you could say the same thing for anything. John Hinckley’s attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan was inspired by reading Catcher in the Rye. If you want to read it, go head, nobody's stopping you. I don't recommend it, though, because it totally sucks.

Imagine that a peaceful Christian community wants to build a YMCA in Baghdad. Now imagine that the news coming out of Baghdad is that supporters of the Y are receiving death threats - Iraqis are saying that constructing a Christian community center is nothing short of an insult on their houses, a huge loogie on the graves of their friends and family who have fallen at the hands of the Americans since March 2002 and they simply will not stand for it. Obviously, not all Americans are Christian (and not all Americans support the war, nor do all Christians, nor do all American Christians), so their anger is pretty displaced.

Imagine that someone in Yemen had a picture of the above truck stamped all over their car, with the caption "EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT AMERICA, I LEARNED FROM THIS TRUCK." If you know that not all Americans are racist, bigoted assholes, then you can't assume that all Muslims are flag-burning terrorists. Q.E.D.

Now let's say, for the sake of argument, that one day in the future the president's policies aren't quite so friendly toward Muslims or predominantly Muslim countries. Would members of the Park 51 MCC have a right to be upset? Yes! Would they have a right to protest publicly? Aboslutely! Does that mean they love the United States of America any less than you and I? HELL NO! In my opinion, protesting against the government is one of the most patriotic things you can do. Democracy is built on the fact that people disagree and have the right to express their disagreements publicly; when you extinguish the voice of the people, you are left with Fascism at best, Totalitarianism at worst.

It’s generally agreed upon that the internment of Japanese Americans during WWII is a black eye on this country’s history. Out of an irrational fear of that which they did not have the fortitude to tolerate, grew a hate so strong that American citizens revoked from other American citizens the very inalienable rights they swore to protect: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. This time, save the pitchforks for throwing out horse shit and the torches for illuminating darkness, so we can all live in a country where we can all believe whatever the hell we all want.

NOTE: I welcome rebuttals, as long as things stay civil. Leave them in the comments, or send me an email, the address is on the left module somewhere.

My Animated Life

2010-08-13T11:29:00.000-04:00

I'm currently sitting on the floor of an empty apartment that used to be not-so-empty. I have a hand-truck, a vacuum, and a backpack of stuff to entertain me while I wait for the guy to show up for my final inspection. Today is my last day in this apartment; I will never see it again. While I'd like to be overjoyed at the thought of finally getting out of this god-forsaken hell hole, it's more bitter sweet.

I fought tooth and nail just to be able to live here. Not to get the apartment in the first place, really, just to keep it in a livable condition. There was the time the fireman kicked in my door for no apparent reason. There was the time the ceiling of the bathroom nearly caved in from a leak upstairs (they patched it up and claimed they couldn't find a leak (I can still hear it dripping)). When there was a problem with the water, more often than not it was the curious and inexplicable case that I could only get scolding hot water, as opposed to a more logical case of only cold water or no water at all. I once lost power to half of the apartment. Another time, I lost half of the power to the whole apartment. The list goes on.

I've been trying to move into the new house for a month now. This whole "Oh, I have a month to move in so I can do it slowly" thing really backfired. I dogsat for my parents for ten days, in which I didn't have time to move anything, really. I also had that triathlon that I had to train for (it went very well, more on that when all the pictures are posted). The gas money has been drilling a hole in my bank account.

I still have to deal with the DC DMV, which by all accounts is the worse than the twelve trials of Hercules. And I can see why. Last week I tried to get my car's emissions inspected... I spent 45 minutes driving in a 4-block radius and couldn't find it. I followed the signs, they led me straight back onto the highway. I hate it and I haven't even stepped foot in it yet. I can't even register my car until the title saunters it's way up from Carmax Autofinance HQ in Georgia, hopefully some time next week.

I lost the last remaining key to my car two weeks ago. It took three days and $275 to get a new one, and another $170 to get a spare from the dealer. The locksmith broke my driver's side door, and the key only unlocks that door (it's always been like that), so if I lock the car, I have to climb in through the hatch. That should be fixed tomorrow, and I've already practiced three versions of my "Hell no, I'm not paying for this!" speech, should he try to pull some shenanigans.

I have an hour and a half round trip to make so I can return the cable box. Today.

Guys' night tonight. We're getting drunk and watching The Expendables. House party tomorrow night, because we've been in the house for a month and haven't had a party yet. My birthday is next week and I have off for two days afterward, then it's the weekend. I will take one of them to spend some quality time with myself. I'd like to go hiking, or maybe for a very long bike ride, I haven't decided yet. The point is, these things are all things that have been missing from my life since I started the moving process a month and a half ago, and I'm really looking forward to having them back, if only for a few days.

Rumors of My Death Blah Blah Blah

2010-07-18T23:31:00.000-04:00

We got a new and improved roommate and subsequently the house, I've been busy moving one or two car loads a day. This is why I have effectively fallen off the edge of the earth this time. I'll be back when I'm all moved in, should be about a week. For now, here are some pictures of the work in progress real quick before I go to bed.

Ultimate Douche Bag Championship

2010-07-05T18:43:00.000-04:00

Let me tell you all a story about a guy who for the sake of not being as big a douche as he was, I will simply call BR.

After a rather exhaustive search for a third roommate, Pam and I met up with BR, whom we’d found from Craigslist, for dinner in Chinatown. We were both kind of iffy on whether or not we wanted to have this meeting – her because we’d just come from this apartment that was at 11th and T St (for those of you non-DCists, that’s one of the hottest addresses in the city); me because, to be brutally honest, BR’s emails left something to be desired in the personality department.

BR, as it turns out, is pretty cool in that totally geeky kinda way, which is actually a good thing in our respective books. He’s a technical writer for a homeland security contractor, and has lots of interesting stories about the adventures he’s been on and jobs he’s worked on. In particular, there’s one that, as awesome a story as it is, should have been a red flag.

BR had a stint working for a major software company here in the District. I don’t remember what exactly his title was, but one of the perks of whatever his title was was that he rarely had to actually be in the office and could do most of his work from home. The lack of supervision allowed him to do about eight hours of work a week while billing for about forty. In his spare time, and with his spare cash, he landed and internship in Manhattan. He spent most of his time up there and came back to DC about twice a week to show his face in the office and make sure they knew he still worked there.

Pretty neat, huh? In retrospect, though, it should have kind of labeled him as a liar, omitter-of-certain-truths at best. But we decided to move forward with this guy because he is, after all, a ton of fun to hang out with.

We go check out this gorgeous 100-year old craftsman house with a lot of the original fixtures – banisters, radiators, coffered ceilings, the whole shebang. Oh right, and a beer fridge. Pam and I fall in love with the place, BR is at least happy about it, so we put in applications. Afterward, at lunch, he confesses to me “just so you know, I’m not, like, a liar or anything, but I tend to think most things just aren’t that big of a deal.” Those words will ring in my head for years.

You probably also saw that very short post in which I expressed my overjoyed exuberance at having been accepted at said house. Well, that’s about where things started to go south with BR. Suddenly, he stopped replying to emails, texts, and phone calls. Pam and I were worried until we received this one-liner:

Sorry about the delayed response. I can't meet up with you today or sign anything until I get back in dc on Thursday.

OK, so a defense contractor disappears for a couple days. This is not a big deal. It would have been nice if he’d said something earlier but it’s no biggie. Thursday morning rolls around and we haven’t heard from him in a couple days, so Pam calls him – note: Pam calls him – and asks when he’s getting back so we can get together security deposit checks and whatnot. It’s at this point in the story that BR decides to lay down this little nugget of ultimate douche-baggery:

He’s on a job interview in Massachusetts.

Take a minute to let that one sink in. He was searching for apartments in DC. He found roommates. He was accepted for this GORGEOUS 100-year-old craftsman house. And all the while, he’s looking at jobs in Massachusetts, a city that is notably far from DC. And never once even thought to mention this to us.

Commence freak out. What do we do?! If he gets the job, we’re SOL. If he doesn’t get the job, then he comes back and… we’re supposed to live with this guy? We’re supposed to trust him to pony up $1200 every month when he just failed to mention that he was on a fucking job interview FIVE HUNDRED MILES AWAY?!?!

So we call the landlord and tell him what just happened and ask if the two of us can sign leases on our own with the understanding that we’ll find a third roommate pronto. He’s hesitant but understands that if we’re willing to take this big of a risk we obviously are in love with this house and won’t give it up for hell or high water.

Pam calls back Brian and tells him in the nicest possible way to go to hell and die. Had I been on the phone, I probably would have had some choice words for him, but Pam is a much nicer person than myself.

Pam already had plans to go to New York for the weekend, so I’ve been frantically emailing about a dozen or so old and new Craigslist contacts, looking for a third roommate. I think we found a good one. She’s stable, sane, and fun to hang out with – pretty much all we're looking for.

Fingers crossed.

This Titles is Longer Than the Post

2010-06-28T17:21:00.000-04:00

WE GOT THE ~~BEER FRIDGE~~ HOUSE!!!

What? Posts on Two Consecutive Days?

2010-06-23T11:19:00.000-04:00

Holy cheeseballs, Batman! Gadzooks and so on and so forth! Is the world coming to an end? What could possibly be so important that I'm posting twice in two days?

Nothing, really. I'm just hopped up on copious amounts of caffeine while still having not heard anything about the beer fridge and the house which contains it, so I really can't focus on my work.

This morning, something popped up on my reader that caught my eye: a group in San Francisco is looking into the possibility of creating digital license plates, allowing the state to display ads instead of the plate number (on stopped cars only, of course) and generate some revenue for the ailing California budget. Dvice takes issue with the fact that drivers of cars won't see any of the revenue generated from the ads, which I disagree with on two counts:

The driver will see revenue, just not in the form of dollars in their bank account. Rather, government programs that would otherwise go belly-up will continue to be funded.
The license plate isn't the driver's property - it belongs to the state. Therefore, the state is entitled to do whatever they want with it. Similarly, the state isn't entitled to any of the revenue a driver might generate by putting an ad on his car because that's his property.

My issue with the ad/license plates is the damage it will do to the budget of local municipalities. Traffic fines will account for over $110,000,000 of income for the County and City of San Francisco for FY 10-11. If an ad is displayed instead of a license plate number, a citation can't be issued. That sounds pretty sweet, until you think about things that those $110 million go towards - schools, roads, parks and recreation, etc.

My suggestion: instead of the ad covering the entire plate, the number and expiration date should still be easily visible, though smaller. Done correctly, digital plates could actually generate more revenue from fines. For example, a system wherein the plate displays the amount of time left at a metered spot and automatically issues a citation when time runs out, which is then mailed to the car's owner's home.

But David, doesn't that bring us one step closer to a fascist police state? Yeah, kinda, but it's not looking like breaking out of prison is terribly hard in the future, so I think you'll be ok. (skip to 00:58)

YouTubesday IX

2010-06-22T09:13:00.001-04:00

Today, I should find out whether or not we got this 100ish year-old house. It's an awesome house. Three bedrooms, one of them has a little study thing. A lot of the original hardwood floors are in tact, along with the original radiators (that have never been painted over), original fireplace, and so on and so forth. It has a beer fridge. It has a huge basement, where we can set up a whole second living room for parties and crashing friends, and there's space so I can work on my bikes. Plus there's a full bathroom down there, with a washer and drier, and a beer fridge. It has a gas stove. It has a (small) backyard and deck. Did I mention the beer fridge?

While I ~~pace back and forth in my cube, biting my nails and cursing every passing hour~~ patiently await news on weather we got this magnificent, glorious ~~beer fridge~~house, I thought I'd resurrect YouTubesday.

I present to you, a kitten riding a tortoise. Make sure you turn the volume all the way up so you can hear it.

Did you actually turn the volume all the way up? Congrats, you're half a step closer to getting fired.

At IfItWasMyHome.com, you can move the Deepwater Horizon oil spill all over the place so you can see just how big it is. Just by coincidence, the spill perfectly follows the path of I-95 when placed over DC. Wait, maybe this isn't a coincidence at all... Maybe this is exactly how Obama planned it! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!

If you want to know how you can help, click here.

I've seen a lot of mash-ups of Tik Tok. Wait, let me correct that, I've seen a lot of crappy mash-ups of Tik Tok, but this Star Trek one is actually really good, unlike that terribly attempt by The Simpsons at being trendy.

As if you needed another reason to work for Google, THEY HAVE NAPPING PODS!!!

And speaking of companies it'd be pretty sweet to work for...

I'm getting a smart phone in August, and I'm still on the fence between Droid and iPhone. Help? Things to consider: I just got an iTouch in December but I already have AT&T, with an iPhone 4 I would sufficiently one-up both of my parents' iPhone 3G's but my brother-in-law has an iPad so he wins that fight anyway, the iPhone's app library is several times that of Droid's but it can't run more than one at a time.

Ssshhhh, I'm Hunting Apawtments

2010-06-17T13:44:00.000-04:00

Busy busy busy. So very busy. Why have I been so busy? Pam and I are looking for a third roommate and a place to live. So far, we've met three potential roommates and it didn't really click with any of them we're meeting a fourth tonight and hopefully a few more this weekend. It's not that they weren't cool, it's just that... We don't just want someone to live in a third bedroom, we want someone who will be our friend, who will hang out with us during the week and participate in our epic adventures on the weekends (yeah, last weekend got pretty epic, too). Maybe we're being too picky, I don't know.

Also, a lot of apartments for August don't open up until July, which is still half a month away. Even though I know that, I still can't help but be disappointed when scouring Craigslist, only to find a place that would be perfect... were it available in August instead.

So listen, on the off chance you know someone out there who's looking to move to/in DC who's not batshit insane and down for some DC adventure, let me know. Here's a link to our Craigslist ad

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/roo/1794643107.html

This whole experience has gotten me pretty addicted to Craigslist. From the free section, to best of Craigslist, to events, to lost+found, to any and all of the discussion forums... I browse them all. If you thought the crazy people who worm their way onto TV were impressive, wait til you see what crazy people can do when they discover that there's a place on the internet where they can anonymously say whatever the hell is on their mind. Seriously. Half these people are nuts.

On Being a Rain God

2010-06-07T21:53:00.000-04:00

"And as he drove on, the rain clouds dragged down the sky after him for, though he did not know it, Rob McKenna was a Rain God. All he knew was that his working days were miserable and he had a succession of lousy holidays. All the clouds knew was that they loved him and wanted to be near him, to cherish him and to water him."

Douglas Adam, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

In honor of National Trail Day, the Park Service waived all entrance fees at all national parks for the weekend. Having not gone hiking since October, I was pretty excited about this. I tried to get someone - anyone - to go with me, but everyone had plans, was being lame and didn't want to go hiking, or was scared by the possibility of an afternoon storm.

So I decided to fly solo and hit the Old Rag Mountain Trail. It's one of Shenandoah's most popular hikes. It also happens to be one of the most strenuous hikes because of about a half mile of the trail that's not really trail at all. It's boulders. Just a bunch of boulders. You find your way through the maze of rocks by following the small painted rectangles, which occasionally lead you into a slot canyon with no indication of how to get out, but that's a story for another time. This picture here is what I thought was the worst, which turned out to be not so bad compared to some other parts.

This is all fine. I'm no stranger to scrambling on rocks. I'm no stranger to hiking alone. I'm no stranger to being outside in storms. I'm no stranger to scrambling on wet rocks alone. What I am a stranger to is scrambling on rocks alone, exposed on a ridge in a thunderstorm. I knew the storm was coming. I'd seen the weather reports, I'd seen the radar. I was just hoping to have made it past the scrambling before it hit. I did not. Featured below is the moment at which I realized I was pretty much screwed.

To make a long story short, I tried to push through, but decided to hole up when the wind picked up. I found a place where I was shielded by a rock and watched the horizontal rain for a few minutes, content that I'd made a smart choice. Then came the thunder and lightening and I was content that I hadn't made such a smart choice after all. I had to leave. About 20 minutes later, I'd found my way into and out of that damn aforementioned slot canyon and made it a solid 30 yards. That's when the wind picked up again and I had to go back into hiding. I spotted a group huddled under a rock and joined them for another 20 minutes until the storm had let up enough to allow for escape down into the forest, where, at the very least, I wasn't exposed on a ridge in a thunderstorm.

I have a theory. Either Mother Nature hates me and is trying to kill me so that I never come back, or she loves me and is trying to kill me in that psycho if-I-can't-have-him-no-one-can kinda way. In either case, I kind of wish she'd cut it out.

That Time I Crashed My Bike and Other Things

2010-06-04T23:00:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday, we had some scattered thunderstorms. Tom and I decided to go out for a bike ride anyway, because we're geniuses. We hit a bit of rain for the first mile or so, but most of the road/trail was actually pretty dry, except the place where I crashed.

There's this one stretch of the trail that I hate. It twists steep downhill into a ravine, then across a wooden bridge and twists steep uphill back out. It kills my momentum both ways and no matter how slow I go, I always feel like I'm about to fly over the edge, even when it's dry. To the right is a selection from the USGS topographic maps with the trail overlaid in black (if you're unfamiliar with reading topo maps, just know that the closer together the squiggly lines are, the steeper the hill).

We made it down and across the bridge alright. Coming back up the bank, I turned around to tell Tom to get on his brakes because the turn was pretty rough. Next thing I know, the whole damn bike flies out from under me. Ironic crash is ironic.

I actually got pretty lucky. I was only going about 11 or 12 mph when I crashed, whereas I had been going 32 just a few minutes before. Judging by the bruises on my hand, I'm guessing I put it out to break the fall, and somehow managed not to break my wrist. Because the ground was wet, my arm kind of slid along, as opposed to scraping, so I didn't lose a whole lot of skin. My bike wasn't really damaged, save for a few small tears in the handlebar grips and scratched brake levers, and I was only four miles from the car, so I was able to ride back - albeit slowly.

So yeah. Not so bad after all. Not that I like crashing, but if I had to, that was pretty much as well as it could have gone.

Changing the subject entirely, a thought occurred to me the other day and I wanted to put it out on the series of tubes called the "internet" before something happens, so that if something happens I can go back and say "SEE! I SAID THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I'M SO SMART! Damn, I hate being right all the time..."

Follow me here.

By now, you've probably heard about the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, currently about the size of New Jersey and growing at a rate of about 20,000 barrels a day (whatever that square footage is). We've all heard about the devastating effects it's had on the area, including the already crippled tourism and fishing industries. But one thing I haven't heard anything about is hurricane season, which officially started four days ago.

Tropical storms have the capacity to turn to hurricanes when the top 150 feet of the water is 80 degrees. The hotter the water, the worse the hurricane. Oil is darker than water and it absorbs more heat, which is then transferred to the surface of the water beneath, heating the surface of water earlier than it otherwise would have been and making it hotter later on in the summer. This points to two things:

A longer hurricane season
More severe storms

I hope I'm wrong, and I'll be honest, I probably am. I don't know much about meteorology at all, I just connected the dots between trivia knowledge, but I wanted this word vomit on the internet just in case I turn out to be right after all.

The third thing I want to discuss is Justin Bieber and the pending Bieberpocalypse. I'm putting together an army, because nobody wants to face a swarm of those suckers alone. Look at this. Look into the face of horror.

Gnetch and Sara are already in, and combined, we can take on 72 Biebers. If you don't want to be left to the swarms of Biebsters, simply take this quiz and tell me how many Biebers you could take in a fight. You should be able to handle at least 20, but it's ok if you can't, because armies always need cooks and stuff.

The Rumors of My Death Are Less Exaggerated Than Before

2010-06-01T11:46:00.001-04:00

Some of you may have noticed that I've been a bit MIA lately. Not just from blogging, but from commenting. Please, let me explain.

The fact of the matter is that work has really picked up. I started this blog back in September, at which time I'd only been working for three months, and I didn't really have too many responsibilities. It afforded me lots of time to ramble on about statistics and college football. I've now been with The Bureau for 344 days, almost a year for anyone keeping track. (Side note: I've been a real person for almost a year. Excuse me while I freak out... freak out complete) I won't bore you with the details of my job, suffice to say I'm working on two surveys and writing a report on something nobody's written a report about before. So I'm pretty busy.

On top of that, the weather is beautiful and I'm spending a lot more time outside, notably, without my computer. Again, I won't bore you with the details of what I've been up to, suffice to say I crashed my bike on Thursday, for a completely unrelated reason bought a new one Friday - Scattante Americano, custom-butted steel, single speed - and have spent a lot of time setting it up. It's the one on top.

The pools opened up Saturday, and I had a pool party BBQ yesterday, so I had to clean up my apartment, which took two days and let in tons of mosquitoes, so I had to build a screen door on Sunday. The pool party BBQ itself was a smashing success. Everybody got wonderfully drunk and simultaneously failed to drown. The only thing missing was an inflatable crocodile. I'm now left with enough food and alcohol to feed and party with a small army.

All of that having been said, I'm not going to sit here and make all sorts of promises about how I'm going to be a better blogger. Because I won't be. I don't intend on letting this blog go the way of the Dodo, but I certainly won't be able to keep up the volume of, say February and March.

I will apologize this one time for my backlog of commentage. I am getting to it, but the water... she calls to me. ~~Bear~~ Fish with me. Get it? Because it's water, where bears don't live but fish do? You can stop rolling your eyes now, thanks.

Dr. James Carve Visits Atlantic City

2010-05-24T14:05:00.000-04:00

I went to Atlantic City this past weekend. The following conversation didn't actually occur, but we did make up some pretty sweet alter egos and back stories at dinner, and I imagine this is how a conversation would have gone had I actually gotten an opportunity to use them at all. I did, however, manage to convince someone that I was a financial analyst for the CIA. He said he worked for the FBI. That makes him a liar AND an idiot.

THE CAST, L to R:
VIVICA HARRIS - Sydney
ALLISON FRANK - Pam
FLIP, THE REPUBLICAN STRIPPER - Keenan
TRIXXXIE SAINT CLAIR - Samara
VERONICA DAWES - La Shawn
DR. JAMES CARVE - Yours truly
Credit to Samara for the pictures

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm James Carve [pronounced Car-vee], not to be confused with Dana Carvey. I used to get shit for that in high school, until I- I'm sorry, that's a long story and I'm getting off topic. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm James Carve. Dr. James Carve.

Oh, doctor, eh? What's your specialty? Different kind of doctor, I have a doctorate in architecture.

A doctor... of architecture?? Yeah, I researched the efficiency of composite plastics in octohedral domes. See, everybody figured the different plastics wouldn't bind and the whole thing would fall apart. Turns out, they form a bond eighteen times stronger than tita- oh jeez, I'm doing it again.

Wait, something's not right... how did you get your doctorate so young? Well, I went to college when I was seventeen and rocked out on seven APs, so showing up as a 17-year-old sophomore helped. But the real boon was USC's accelerated architecture program. In five years, I had a Bachelor's, Master's, and Doctorate in Architecture. I slept about four or five hours a night, but it's totally worth it.

So, what you build skyscrapers and stuff? Architects don't just do skyscrapers... Think about those tents you always see used by the military and FEMA. They're great for protection from the sun and some moderately rough weather, but not much else. It's a problem if your tent is, say, in a battle zone or an area prone to hurricanes. That's where I come in. I'm designing fold-up buildings, that can take 100-mph winds, flying 4x8s, that kinda stuff. It's pretty neat stuff to me, but I'm honestly trying not to bore the hell out of you, so I'll just stop there.

Thanks. I did design one legit building, but it's still under construction. My friend Allison over there is the real estate agent. She just closed on a third of the units, so we decided to celebrate! Vivica has a condo at the Taj, I called her up, and BAM! Here we are, celebrating our faces off.

By blowing all of your money in a casino? Well, maybe she is, I don't know. I'm winning this weekend.

Oh yeah? How much? ...Let's just say the Borgata was nice to me...

So how do you know everyone else? Vivica is an old friend of mine, and she knows Flip and Trixxxie from, uh, work.

Flip and Trixxxie? What are those, stripper names? In a manner of speaking, I guess.

*Blank stare* They're... in the adult film industry.

They're porn stars?! Well, I think so, but I never really asked. It's kind of an awkward question, ya know? 'Oh hey buddeh, you do porn, right?' All I know is that that's the industry they're in, and there aren't very many jobs that can afford a 23-year-old girl a condo at the Taj Mafrigginhal. Actually, I think Flip mentioned something about directing, but then he started talking about Obamacare and Socialism. Him and politics... it's crazy.

What about the other one, the short girl? Oh, Veronica? Haha, your guess is as good as mine! I don't know who the hell she is, and to be honest, I don't know if any of us actually know her. She just kinda showed up the other night, but she's cool, so we brought her home.

*My cell phone goes off*

I'm sorry, I have to go. Allison needs backup rescuing Vivy from some guy claiming to be a tackle for the Ravens. Isn't there one person in this city who doesn't have to make up some stupid alter ego?

Aaaaaaand scene.

As a side note, I managed not to lose any money in Atlantic City. In fact, I was up $50 at one point, and I decided to quit because, as I said at the time, discretion is the better part of valor. Unfortunately, boredom is the worse part of quitting and I wound up breaking even.

New York: Part Deux

2010-05-19T20:48:00.000-04:00

Thursday was the last day of business for Pam and I, which meant it was time for things to get a little insane in the membrane.

Jess came down from Boston, and attempted to save us a spot in line at The Daily Show. Lo and behold, you actually have to have tickets to be in the line and there was apparently no chance of getting in through stand-by. We also tried The Colbert Report with identical results. So we decided to have a party at the W because we hadn't done so yet.

Mark came in from Jersey for the fourth night in a row and brought with him a pair of aviators. There was really only one thing that could happen... PHOTO SHOOT!

After our rather exhausting photo shoot, we went to meet our friend Beli at a bar. We quickly discovered that this wasn't just any bar, it was, in fact, a gay bar. It's cool, I've been to a gay bar before; I just avoid eye contact and don't accept drinks. But this bar was different from any other bar I've ever been to - it had Wii Bowling. How did I fare?

226! Their record = smashed. Heeeellllllll yeah.

Friday, Pam and I had to leave our posh post in Times Square. She went to stay with relatives and Jess and I got a room at the Hotel Bellaclaire. It was a change of pace, that's for sure. The place is probably the cheapest hotel in New York, but you get what you pay for - you have to share a separated bathroom with a bunch of other rooms. It's sort of like an upscale dorm. This was our new view.

As you might imagine, we wasted very little time there and took off for the Central Park Zoo.

Friday night, Jess an I went to the first in Rooftop Films' 2010 Summer Series at Open Road Rooftop, called "This is What We Mean by Short". The rooftop itself is really cool, it's decked out in professionally done graffiti.The main event's entertainment was a collection of short films, but before that got started, Twin Sister took the stage. (Please excuse the crappy sound quality - it's not the band, it's the camera, I swear.)

These were my two favorite movies from the night.

Saturday. My last day in New York, we spent the afternoon at the Natural History Museum.

My favorite part of the museum was the 34-ton meteor. I'm guessing you're allowed to touch it, because there's nothing stopping you. But I don't think the security guards would have approved of climbing on it.

We also spent about 30 minutes in the minerals/crystals room waiting for the guard to turn his back so I could slide down the big, flat, rock on the stairs, to no avail. Next time, rock, next time I will slide. And it will be glorious. Just you wait...

So that's it. That was my week of ultimate, bonafide ballerness. I'll probably never be that cool again. I'm going to go crawl in a hole and die now, just so that I can go out on a high note. Goodbye.

New York: Part the First

2010-05-17T17:59:00.000-04:00

Alright, I guess I need to back up to before New York and do a quick blurb about the weekend preceding it. As some of you might remember, I have a thing for midnight movies. They're just fun, what can I say? Everyone gets sloshed and sits down for two hours of what's pretty much guaranteed to be a good time.

Last Friday's midnight movie was "The Human Centipede". It's about a crazy German doctor who specializes in separating siamese twins, but is tired of separating people and decides to put people together. By their digestive tracts. To the right is an actual diagram shown in the movie.

As you can imagine, this movie is hilariously disgusting.

I wish I had more space to talk about Saturday but I'm honestly trying to keep this short. Suffice to say, embassy drinking was a bust because of the previous night's festivities, and Jeff's dinner party was a smashing success. He's a hell of a cook and I'm looking forward to more of that.

Right. So. Sunday. New York. Pam and I took the Acela Express up and I gotta say, it was pretty sweet. It got us there in three hours, and I had wi-fi the whole time. No security whatsoever, I only took my shoes off when I wanted to. It's a great way to travel, and I highly recommend it.

When we checked into our hotel rooms, I just about died. I had a corner suite on the 27th floor of the W in Times Square. This was my home.

And this was my view (at night).

And this is what my view looked like (daytime) through a kaleidoscope. Where did I get a kaleidoscope, you ask? THEY HAVE THEM IN THE ROOM, DURFACE!! Oh, what, you've never stayed in a hotel where they give you a kaleidoscope? My friend, you haven't lived.

Pam and I took the hotel bar for a test drive and have to say, I was unimpressed with the quality of the drinks. I mean, for a hotel that has Black Label and Kettle One in the minibar, I expected a half decent Old Fashioned from the regularbar. On the bright side, the robe was sick.

Monday. Jeff's friend Mark comes to meet us in the city. The concierge directed us to a restaurant in the Meat Packing District, but upon arriving we realized that this was not our style by any stretch of the imagination. There's no beer on the menu and the salads were $17. Three blocks away, there's a burger joint where you can get shots in the milkshakes... ah yes, that's more like it.

Afterward, we went to amateur night at Comix. Pam will disagree, but I thought everyone was funny except one guy. He was trying to do the whole I'm-saying-what-everyone-is-thinking thing, but nobody was thinking what he was saying. And his impressions were awful. Not awful like "I can't believe he just did that crazy racist impression!" more like "Was that supposed to be a Mexican?" Still, everyone else was funny and the closer killed.

Tuesday. We went in search of a bar. But not just any bar. We were looking for one bar in particular. The problem was, the only thing we knew about it was that it was in Hell's Kitchen and someone died in a bathtub upstairs 130 years ago. Finally we found it - Landmark Tavern. It's a Tuesday, so business was light, and we struck up a conversation with the bartenders. Eventually, we asked about the bath tub and next thing I know, I'm sitting in it.

If you're wondering why there's toilet paper there, just out of the shot is a toilet. Because this is still a function bathroom.

Wednesday. Pam and I decided to walk back from the Village (where our actual business of the week was taking place) to our hotel in Times Square. Along the way, I see a random staircase and say "Hey, let's see what's up there." Turns out, it's the High Line Garden - a 20ish-block garden set in railroad tracks raised above the rest of the plebes where the city's natural vegetation (read: weeds) can grow in their natural beauty (read: designers defaulted on landscaping payments and called it art).

After the 50ish block walk, we needed a more chill night than others, we stumbled into a little taqueria and then a little bar called Baby Grand. They weren't kidding when they called it Baby Grand, the place is 200 sqft, max. The selection is small, but good. There's a karaoke machine that was almost entirely unused for the night. The bartender, Jen, attempted to rile up some singers by taking the mic herself, but it didn't work. Still, she was cool.

In fact, all the bartenders during the week were really cool. If it weren't for the fact that it's so damn bad for my wallet/liver, I'd probably go weekday drinking more often. So as soon as someone invents a money/transplant tree, I'm down.

Thus concludes Part the First. Part the Second will have more pictures, if you can believe that. Things get a little crazyawesome, you've been warned.

Return

2010-05-16T11:25:00.004-04:00

OH HAI

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm back from New York, I had a great time, and I'm working on a post about it while catching up on everyone's blogs. If I miss a bunch, I'm sorry, but there are only so many hours in the day, ya know? In the mean time, just look at this picture and be amazed with how awesome I am.

Evolution of a Spambot

2010-05-07T15:17:00.002-04:00

Many of my readers are not bloggers, and might not understand this. Those of your who are, will.

Like mosquito bites, we all get spambots from time to time. You'll recognize one immediately because it will leave a comment completely unrelated, vaguely flattering, usually from a name that is at least partially in Chinese. These are some examples I've pulled from my own comments. (All the links have been de-linkified)

thank for share, it is very important .￣︿￣

IT IS A VERY NICE SUGGESTION, THANK YOU LOTS! ..................................

I do like ur article~!!!................................................

TAHNKS FOR YOUR SHARING~~~VERY NICE.................................................

Unable to give you a heart. so have a reply to push up your post. ...........................................

I love readding, and thanks for your artical. ...........................................

This morning, I awoke to find an email saying that I had another comment on my last post. I wasn't surprised to find that it was the spambot again, but I was surprised to find this load of bullshit

做愛色情影片免費色情論壇色情網小說色情秀一夜聊天室上床片免費看上床免費看上床美女影片免費試看上床影片免費看上班族天室上班族室上班族聊天(f1)上班族聊天至上班族聊天室(f1)口交電影口焦大乃妹做愛影片女生裸睡圖片一葉聊天tw18禁wii後宮電影院xevideoxex888xvdeosxveidosxvideo 免費影片xvideo 松島xvideo 線上xvideo松島楓xvides金瓶梅成人漫畫金瓶梅情色小說文學漫畫貼圖成人電影

WTF IS THAT?! NOBODY IS GOING TO CLICK ON YOUR LINKS IF WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND THEM!

According to Google Translate, it translates as:

Sex porn videos free porn forum porn novels porn web chat show one night to go to bed to bed to see films for free free video free Let us look to see beautiful women go to bed to bed to see office workers days free room video room office worker office workers chat (f1) white-collar workers to office workers chat chat E (f1) oral sex movie oral sex videos girls Nai Mei Jiao big naked picture chat tw18 ban leaf Temple Cinema xevideoxex888xvdeosxveidosxvideo wii free online video xvideo xvideo xvideo Matsushima Matsushima Feng xvides Golden Lotus Golden Lotus erotic literature adult cartoon comic adult movie map

Come on, spambot. You've got to try harder than that.

Also, just heads up, I'm probably going AWOL again for a while. The next eight days of my life are going to be pretty insane. Midnight movie, dinner party, European embassies' beer/wine tasting, dog sitting, all before I leave for New York. I'm still working on my itinerary for the city that never sleeps, but it will include world's largest game of dodge ball (hopefully), rooftop movie in the Lower East Side, Johnny's Pizza, Park Slope ChipShop, and at least one speakeasy... I'm open to suggestions.

Me as a Crazy Hippy

2010-05-05T21:44:00.001-04:00

Pennsylvania Avenue is getting bike lanes!

I'm excited because I ride in the city often, and PA Ave is one of the scariest roads. It's a combination of tourists who don't know how to drive in the city/are distracted by monuments and locals who are frustrated with the tourists. But a lot of people are unhappy about this, particularly AAA. They claim that it will increase congestion in the city, but they're really only providing more evidence for Mankiw's Third Principle of Economics: "People are stupid;" a Google Scholar search of "bike lane congestion" immediately brings up a paper showing that bike lanes can actually reduce congestion (Dixon, 1996) and a second showing that if bike lanes exist, more people will ride bikes (Dill & Carr, 2003), not only reducing congestion, but pollution as well.

But regardless of what the numbers say, what do you think about bike lanes? Would you be ok with more bike lanes in your city? Would you use them?

On a sadder but more important note, three people died in Zion National Park last week. The most recent death was a woman who fell 1000 feet off the morbidly ironic-named Angels Landing Trail. Below are pictures my friend Nicole took when we hiked that same trail four years ago, just to give you a sense of what it's like up there.

Take care of yourselves in the great outdoors, people. We are not invincible.

YouTubesday VIII

2010-05-04T13:51:00.000-04:00

This is Earth, as viewed from Mars.

I'd watch this show.

Support our troops. No, seriously, they need help.

How to spot a marijuana farm. Hint: it looks like a shady farm, but filled with marijuana.

How to high-five. It's not easy.

Steampunk flash drive is waterproof

Definitely learned this when I was getting my lifesaving merit badge: if someone's drowning, laugh and eat bacon

You wish you could drive like this

And where the hell was Lincoln's body guard, anyway? Stinking drunk and chillin downstairs, apparently.

For Channel 4 news, I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Monday Randoms

2010-05-03T18:30:00.000-04:00

Random stuff for a random day.

First, I'd like to clarify my position on Arizona a bit. While the comments here remained civil (thanks, btw), some of the other people I spoke to were not. Regardless of whether or not I agree with the bill, I understand what it's trying to accomplish and why, but I feel that the way they're going about it is completely and totally out of line.

A few people mentioned (some kindly, some not so kindly) that someone can be falsely detained because they match the description of a suspect of a robbery or murder or arson or what have you. True, but at least there's a description of a specific suspect. I still have yet for someone to describe what an illegal immigrant looks like.

Finally, and this is one that I got a lot, I realize other countries have stricter immigration laws than us, but we are not them. Unlike the other 194 countries in the world, we have a Statue of Liberty, and at her base there is a bronze plaque that reads

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

All of that having been said, there are a couple things we all need to keep in mind. First, there's still nearly three months before the bill actually takes effect, so all of this is just speculation because lawyers will be lawyers. Second, the Constitution was written vaguely on purpose. If my interpretation of the law is different from yours, that doesn't mean either of us is wrong. If there were only one right answer, there would only be one justice on the Supreme Court.

Right, now that that's out of the way....

I created a Facebook badge. So now you guys can stalk me in new and horrible ways.

I was in dire need of a new workout mix. I stayed up late last night to finish it, but I did it. It's 94 songs and 5.1 hours long. I'd post the list, but it's 94 songs and 5.1 hours long. But I did post it on facebook soooo yeah.

I touched the top of a flagpole that'd been saluted by every president from Nixon to Clinton. It was from a hotel but now resides at Social.

There was a bomb in Times Square yesterday, a block from the hotel at which I'm staying next week. That's a bit unsettling, but statistically, bombs only go off in New York once every 20 years or so, so I should be good for next week.

On Arizona

2010-04-30T22:47:00.001-04:00

Remember that delicious El Salvadorian place across the street from The Bureau? I went back. This time, I got something described on the menu only as "El Burrito Loco." I thought it would be better not to ask what exactly it was, and just go for it. After all, how could a crazy burrito be a bad thing?

Ladies and gents, this was, indeed, a crazy burrito. It was literally the size of my head, probably bigger. I don't know, I didn't think I would need a friggin measuring tape. It was like they took all the stuff that normally goes on the plate outside the burrito, and just put it all inside. I readily identified at least two different meats, three different peppers, several beans, many different vegetables, and what I believe to be avocado.

So to make up for it, I hopped on my bike after work and cranked out 17 miles. Today, my friend Tom and I found a new trail and did another 22. Tomorrow, I'm going on an embassy open house thingy, which will involve probably about 7-8 miles of walking. Sunday, I plan on either rock climbing or doing another long bike.

I'd like to thank some folks who made this possible. First, the staff of the little El Salvadorian place, whose immigration status is questionable at best.

Second, God, for putting me in DC instead of, say, Arizona. For those of you living under a rock (or not in America) I'll fill you in on some recent Arizonan events. The other day, the governor of Arizona signed into law Immigration Bill SB 1070

For any lawful contact made by a law enforcement official or agency of this state or a county, city, town or other political subdivision of this state where reasonable suspicion exists that the person is an alien who is unlawfully present in the United States, a reasonable attempt shall be made, when practicable, to determine the immigration status of the person.

On the surface, this sounds pretty reasonable. If a cop thinks someone is an illegal immigrant, he has the power to act on his suspicion. But this can easily be abused - a cop pulls over someone who looks Hispanic, they give him a hard time (or maybe he just doesn't like their accent), and he asks for their papers.

Here's my problem: legal immigrants look exactly like illegal immigrants, so how can you prove that you're not an illegal immigrant? Unless you're carrying around your birth certificate or something (which would look more suspicious than having nothing at all), you can't. So you get detained - not arrested, just held until such time that you can provide proof of your citizenship/a visa.

You didn't do anything wrong... but you still go to jail.

Contrary to popular belief, the term "innocent until proven guilty" does not actually appear in the Constitution (I just checked). The term actually comes from an English jurisprudence, but the provision is made in the 5th Amedment:

[No person shall] be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law.

People are detained all the time, and I'm not saying that detention in general is unconstitutional, but when someone is detained, it's because there is some proof that he committed a crime. In this case, he can be detained because he failed to prove that he didn't commit a crime. That's what I'd call being deprived of liberty without due process of law.

I'll give it this much, the bill does attempt to stem rampant racism by stating

The attorney general or county attorney shall not investigate complaints that are based solely on race, color or national origin.

But I just don't understand what else someone could do that would make them look like they're illegal. In what situation does a cop have the right to say "What you're doing right now is awfully indicative of your legal status."

The people who work at the little El Salvadorian place are honest, hard-working people, and their burritos are amazing if not enormous. The same way I just got the feeling that they might not be legal without any real evidence to go on, is a cop allowed to just act on that feeling? HOW IS THAT OK?!

So what's your take on this issue? Do you support the bill? Do you plan on taking place in the growing boycott of Arizona (Note: Arizona Ice Tea is actually a New York company)? Saturday's "Do I look illegal?" day?

"Doctor" is a Title I'd Be Good With

2010-04-28T19:55:00.000-04:00

I hate thinking about the future. I had effectively put it out of my mind and into the "I'll think about it another time" column. People always ask what my plans are, and I always spit back the same answer, but in the past few days I've been reminded that my future is out there, it is real, and it is waiting for me.

One of my friends from a (long-forgotten) sign language class is going to medical school, another is about to take the LSAT. I walked by the econ building, where I spent God knows how many hours in the labs, about ten times. The guy in the bar who told me I was so fuckin smart I shoulda taught that econ class (in which he and his friend were cheating off me) reminded me how much I liked, and still like, tutoring economics.

Yesterday, John Whitehead, a professor of economics and one of the writers of env-econ.net, wrote about a recent ranking of the US's top 25% of economics departments, ranked by various stats having to do with their publications and referencing and stuff. About a month ago, last time I was thinking about grad school, I posted a list of 15 programs in which I was interested, most of them in the US. I decided to see where they were on this list.

Out of 441, Oregon was 66, Tufts was 53, and Rutgers was 40. Northeastern was surprisingly unranked. Then again, it was only the top 25%, so they could have been in the 26th percentile. Then again, they could have just as easily been 90th, there's just no way to know.

Then again, the field I'm most interested in - experimental and behavioral economics - is an up-and-coming field in the US, so I wouldn't expect a school that focuses on it to be widely recognized for their publications. And if they're not widely recognized for their publications, then they're not going to be highly ranked on this list.

Then again, employers and other schools do take in account the institution from which you graduated, and they don't care about the same things that I do. They might weigh this list more heavily than I do, so maybe I should care more about it.

Then again, what kind of economist even pretends to make any kind of decision based on one, ONE data set?

Then again, do I even really want to go to graduate school in the US? Could I afford to go to England, where I can dive into the most modern research, as well as a $1.52/£ exchange rate?

Then again, maybe I should just think about it another time.

Today, I've been emailing back-and-forth with a PhD candidate at Brown who's having problems accessing our data. For some reason, that made it click - I have to move forward. I can't keep thinking about it another time, I need to think about it now, before it's too late. Which is why I did this:

I registered to take the GRE on October 23rd at 9:00AM. Of course, I'm already terrified. I took a practice math section back last summer, and with zero prep whatsoever I scored a 660 or something. Which is nice, but I'd feel much more comfortable around a 770 or 780. I know I'm capable, I just don't know how to get myself from point A to point B.

So, my dear readers, consider the following:

Where do you see yourself in three years? Note: "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer.

YouTubesday VII

2010-04-27T18:40:00.006-04:00

This is a long one. Now that I've started incorporating other things from around the internet, I've got a bit of a glut going on. It's hard to decide what gets in and what has to be put on the shelf for next week. I don't know how Kate does it, really.

In any case, get ready to waste a solid hour of your life at THE MOST AWESEOMEST WEBSITE EVER. But don't do it now, wait til you're finished.

For your weekly dose of a flippin sweet music that you've probably never heard, I present to you: Cara Salimando. Like a cross between Fiona Apple and Regina Spektor (more former than latter), this is her performing a song called "Cigarette Smoke."

This one's also pretty good. Good Morning - Rogue Wave NOTE: I'm having some issues with the audio player. It's making me sad.

Link to the original audio

Ya know how you're such an awesome dancer when you're drunk? This is probably what it actually looks like. Congrats on being on the level of a bear.

Speaking of bears, here's one with its head stuck in something. Your argument is invalid.

Star Wars meets Coming to America. It's funny mainly because everything Vader says makes absolutely no sense in context. The best part is from 0:46 to 2:05.

Speaking of Star Wars...

I, too, once wrote a thing about unemployed stormtroopers.

A guy was giving away free hugs, so this dude starts selling "deluxe hugs" for two dollars. And he made money! The best part is when he uses some pretty solid economic logic; the free hugs guy complained that he was selling huge and he responded with "Different customers want different stuff, so it's cool."

My dad runs marathons. I haven't been able to watch in a couple years, but it's always interesting to see the signs that people have. I imagine that as a runner, the bottom sign would horrify me.

"Blondes have wealthier husbands because we are more fun and outgoing, and men are more attracted to us," said Olga Uskova, president of the International Blondes Association. "We also do better in the workplace because when we make a mistake we can say, ‘Oh, sorry about that, it’s because I’m blonde’ and get away with it."

In other news, there is an International Blondes Association.

Speaking of ladies, this one's for Shayna: "Females account for 58% of adults between the ages of 25 and 29 that hold an advanced degree" - WSJ

It's not surprising to see this on the set of Mythbusters. I just have two questions: what did they fill with noodles and why?

I have failed to mention Eyjjshallar3nsq%khul, The Little Volcano That Could. So here goes. These dudes camped out next to it so they could get some awesome shots. Which is cool, but, I mean, in Boy Scouts we had this rule about not pitching a tent in a dry creek bed and all...

Crazy Hoosier is majoring in magic. Then again, Jim Henson majored in puppetry and that panned out pretty well for him.

And that's all she wrote.

The Pictures, Like My Memory, Are Pretty Blurry

2010-04-26T17:54:00.002-04:00

Within 20 minutes of arriving in Columbus, I overheard someone talk about Tim Tebow crying. It was quicker than I had expected.

I liked when I went to Little Bar and got a Newcastle Brown for $2. Going from DC prices to Columbus prices made me feel like a millionaire.
I did not like when my friends tricked me into getting the Six-Shooter, possibly the girliest drink after the Appletini.
I like the Surly Girl Saloon. It's official.

I liked when I tried to climb the statue of Oxley Thompson.
I did not like when I hurt my leg and subsequently couldn't do it.
I like having a goal for next time.

I liked having a beer before breakfast simply because it was game day and I could get away with that kind of behavior.
I did not like that I was drinking Natty again.
I like when 21-cup pong turns into Space Invaders pong.

I liked the one quarter of the Spring Game that I saw.
I did not like that I had to stand for that one quarter.
I like that I never got Block-O tickets.

I liked finally seeing the new Ohio Union, including a lecture from the Scam School guy.
I did not like the selection of beer at Woody's, one of the TWO on-campus bars.
I like Brutus.

I liked that I got to have a drink with this chick.
I did not like that due to my day drinking, I was basically passing out standing up by 1AM.
I like that I had the sense to stop drinking when I did. Things could have gotten ugly.

I liked that a random guy in a bar remembered me from an econ class because "Dude, you were so fuckin smart. Like, seriously you coulda fuckin taught that class. My friend and I used to, like, compete to sit near you on tests and shit, bro."
I did not like that they were cheating off me.
I like that even though there were a lot of smart people in the class off of whom they could have cheated, they chose me. Imitation is the highest form of flattery, right?

I liked the remnants of Columbus's history and culture scattered around the city.
I did not like, and never have liked, the way Columbus felt like a city without an identity.
I like the juxtaposition of Columbus's past and present.

I liked that I saw lots of friends again.
I did not like that a bunch were sick and one was stuck in Cinci, which is very much like being sick if you ask me.
I like that we can pick up where we left off, like nothing every happened.

I liked that I actually did leave at 5, like I planned for once.
I did not like that I had to drive through storms so bad I was crawling along at 30mph for a while. I thought about pulling off the road, but couldn't see where the end of the road was. Worse yet, I knew that no matter how far off the road I got, there was still a very good chance I would get hit unless I left the highway entirely.
I like that that storm cleared up before I found an exit, because it gave me the courage to keep my cool, stay focused, and hack my way through the rest of the intermittent storms for a full seven hours.

I liked my weekend in Ohio.
I did not like leaving without seeing everyone and doing everything I wanted to.
I like looking forward to my next trip already.

The Rumors of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

2010-04-22T08:39:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know, that's the second time I'm using that quote this week. I kind of wish I hadn't done the first one so this one would be more effective, but this one is too fitting to just let it go. I'm not a psychic, so sue me.

I am falling off the grid for a while and I just wanted to let you guys know. I will be in a class all day today - Demographic Surveys Design and Development (Whoopdie-friggin-do), part 2B, day two. Immediately after work, I'm going to up Samara's to celebrate Earth Day in style. Tomorrow, I leave for Ohio State, where I doubt I'll ~~be sober enough~~ have time to keep up with my reader, much less update, for the duration of the weekend.

Mayhaps I'll eek out something on Sunday night or Monday, but in all likelihood, the next time you hear from me will be YouTubesday VII.

In the meantime, look what happened at OSU yesterday.

Cows loose on campus? This reeks of senior prank. I didn't do a senior prank, I did a freshman prank. My friends and I had a habit of moving this poor, defenseless newspaper stand all over North Campus, and one night we put it on top of a bus station. Not only did the university have to kludge up a crane to get it down, but a week later all newspaper stands were chained to lampposts and other such stationary items.

It's nice to know I really had an impact on my Alma Mater.

Also, listen to this song. It is good. Put Your Hands Together by The New Pornographers

Anyway, have a good weekend, and don't do anything I wouldn't do. So, ya know, try to keep it to two felonies.

I wanna go back to Ohio State
To old Columbus town,
To the stadium to hear the band,
By far the finest in the land,
I wanna go back to Ohio State
To old Columbus town,
I wanna go back,
I gotta go back,
To Ohio
Ohio, Ohio
The hills send back the cry [O - H!]
We're here to do or die [I - O!]
Ohio, Ohio
We'll win the game or know the reason why!
And when we win the game, we'll buy a keg of booze!
And we'll drink to old Ohio,
'Til we wobble in our shoes!
Ohio, Ohio
We'll win the game or know the reason why!

YouTubesday VI: Foosbaw and Music

2010-04-20T08:55:00.001-04:00

I liked what I did last week with the incorporating of other random internetstuffs because 1) I can better sift the great from the good and 2) let's be honest, I waste my time online in about a million different ways, why discriminate? So henceforth, consider YouTube to be a metaphor for "unbelievable waste of time," making "YouTubesday" into "Procrastastic Day." But I'm still going to call it YouTubesday. Why? Well, that's an easy question to answer. It's because... well... uh...

SHUT UP, THAT'S WHY

Ahem. Let's begin.

Cleptopus really just wanted to be friends.

This is why you don't marry a princess. Or date one, for that matter. A great scholar once said

I want a girl with a smooth liquidation
I want a girl with good dividends
And at the city bank we will meet accidentally
We'll start to talk when she borrows my pen

I like this song. A lot. And those moves? I'd be a liar if I said I didn't ~~totally pull them off~~ drunkenly attempt them on Saturday.

Now that the videos are over, if you have an hour (or need some frikkin sweet background music), listen to this mix from Heather at I am Fuel You are Friends. If in the next hour of your life your ears don't melt off your head, I'll give you a cookie. No, wait, no cookie. If in the next hour of your life your ears don't melt off your head, you obviously don't have a soul, and everybody knows cookies are only for people with souls.

VCR (Matthew Dear remix) – The xx
Tonight – Big Pink
When You Walk In The Room – Fyfe Dangerfield
Playing In The Distance – Grand National
16th and Valencia Roxy Music – Devendra Banhart
Electricity + Drums – The Apparitions
Help I’m Alive (Immuzikation remix) – Metric
Go Do – Jónsi
Rumors (Off Broadway mix by Jackdrag) – Josh Ritter
Moth’s Wings – Passion Pit
Y Control (Faint remix) – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Nighttiming – Coconut Records
Cudderisback (feat. Vampire Weekend) – KiD CuDi
Blow It Out – The Features
Your Easy Lovin’ Ain’t Pleasin’ Nothing – Mayer Hawthorne
We Used To Be Friends – The Dandy Warhols
Lasso – Phoenix
The Love You Save (Knocks remix) – The Jackson 5

Here's the link to the original audio source.

In other news, a common misconception about Boise State fans is that they like shiny things. This is apparently not true, as everyone's favorite smurf turf is to be replaced before the 2010 season. The new turf will have a matte finish to reduce its currently (apparently) blinding glare. We never have this problem at Ohio State. Our football team is too busy playing real opponents in a real conference to have time to worry about how shiny our field may or may not be, and the fans' blindness is generally attributed to one or more of the following:

Freshmen got a little over-zealous with the Captain.
Jim Tressel is blowing another big game. Everyone got a little over-zealous with the Captain.
God didn't want anyone to see what the linebackers were about to do to (insert Michigan quarterback) , so there wouldn't be any witnesses should it ever go to trial. Sort of like Burr v Hamilton.
Maurice Clarett showed up, we're pretending he doesn't exist.

Sorry about the football, I'm aware that nobody gives a rat's ass, but I haven't talked about it since January and I miss it dearly. I'm going back to Ohio this weekend for AEΠ Alumni Weekend and the Spring Game! SO EXCITED!!! Burgers, free alcohol, friends, pledges, and stadium-seated couches. If it weren't for the rampant black mold and constant smell of Pine-Sol mixed with stale beer, I'd almost miss living in that house. From right to left: me; my little, Seth; my grand-little, Ben; and my great grand-little, Kevin.

GO GO GADGET SUBJECT CHANGE

We need more protesters of this variety. I like them more than these guys.

And does anybody know if this actually works?

Finally, 32 signs that you are no longer a hipster, assuming you ever were. Among them:

13) Fashion people sound like pretentious snobs, whereas there was a time when you didn’t feel this way.
24) You let your blogspot go. (Hey Egosyntonic, you alive?)
31) Instead of the $2 Pabst, you spring for the $6 microbrew from upstate.

The whole PBR thing confused me to begin with. Seems to me someone trying to be original and willing to spend godless amounts of money changing their wardrobe every month would want the microbrew from upstate. But who am I to talk, I don't even know who Kari Ferrell is. Oh wait, now I do.

My 15 minutes of Drunk Blogging

2010-04-17T03:02:00.003-04:00

You wanted it, I gave it to you. I set Pandora on go (I think it's on the Post Punk station) and I'm just goint to type for 15 minutes. Now with sober reaction!

I have just returned from seeing Birdemic. This movie has to be one of hte greatest of all time. No joke. I mean, I saw The Room, and this movie is better than that in every way shape and form. IT 's ridiculous. Birds. Everywhere. They dont' show up funtil 45 minutes into the movie, but it's all good because they're awesome when they do show up. This movie puts The Room to shame. It really does.

They're CGI'd. Now, I normally don't like CGI. Infact, I really hate it. IMHO, it's what ruined the entire matrix series, but that's a discussino for another time. What was I talking about? Oh right, the birds. The birds are CGIed. And they look terrible. But terrible in that awesome kinda way, ya know? Like, they just hover there, waiting for people to attack them with clothes hangars. and by attack, I mean swipe at the air, where birds will be CGI'd in. Maybe CGI isn't the right term. It's more like cut-and-paste images of birds flapping their wings until they cut to stock image of a bird falling out of the sky. Also, they explode when they hit things?

This was the DC premier of the movie. A guy from Severn Films - the producers of this gift to mankind - showed up to party with us all throughout the experience. he was cool, even though he didn't give me a shirt. I had heard rumors that the director himself would be on hand, but was sorely disappointed to find that rumors of his appearance had been greatly exaggerated. Yes, I can quote Mark Twain when I'm drunk.

Also, I am hungry. I am craving Five Guys. For you non-mid-atlantic folks, it's a burger chain, and it is delicious. About as delcious as the movie I just saw. Yes, the movie so good that I could actually taste how good it was. It tasted like... Magic Hat #9 and SoCo lime. Not entirely surprsising, because that's what I've been drinking all night. There was whiskey in there, too. I'm sure of it.

Excuse me while I take a break from my 15 minutes of drunk blogging to eat some string cheese.

Back. Great. So. On the metro home, we saw these girls pole dancing and taking pictures of each other in the other car. They weren't very good at it, unfortunatley, though the poles on the metro aren't exactly ideal for pole dancing. Our jaws hit the floor nonetheless. What do you want? It was 2AM and we were all drunk. Any girl on any pole would have done just fine. Not one of my prouder statements, but true nonetheless.

I have three minutes left and I'll be honest, I'm running out of material here. I've been spewing my brain out here, but there's not much coming to mind. I guess that happens when I've had a few to drink? So I'll leave you with this thought...

abotu a year ago, I looked up at the sky because i heard a plane. I looked for it where I heard it coming from, but it wasn't there. Instead, it was significantly farther along in it's path. Of course, this is because of the difference between the speed of sound and the speed of light. But that brough to mind an interesting point: the same way that the plane sounds like it's in a different place that where I see it, the plane is actually in a different place than where I see it. You see, the problem is that light has a speed. Images are not an instant reflection of the way things are because it takes time for hte light to reach our eyes. Thus, the plane was not actually where I saw it.

This begs the question, can we actually perceive the universe for what it actually is? No. We cannot because there is always time involved. Even if you were to touch the plane, it takes time for that information to reach and be processed by the brain. By the time you perceive the sensation, the universe has changed. If you still understand this, it might best to avoid drug tests for a while.

Time. It's all abotu time. Time is involved in everything because everything requires time. And because of time, we can never see the world around us for exactly what it is - we can only see it for what it was an instant ago.

And I think I'm over my time. Goodnight.

Could have been worse, glad it wasn't.

Goodbye Frankenbike, Hello El Salvadorian Food

2010-04-15T21:47:00.003-04:00

I have some sad news: Frankenbike is no more. You might remember the weekend that was all caused by the purchase of a bike frame? Well, since then I'd been haphazardly trying to slap parts onto it, to make it into a living, breathing bike. Hopefully it would be able to do something like this.

Instead, it won't be doing anything of the sort. Not even functioning like a normal bike. I took it to the pro shop the other day and they said, basically, that the frame is old and carbon, which means compatibility issues would run rampant throughout the whole project and it would quickly turn into a money pit. The owner of the store said he has a bike he thinks I might like at his other store, so I'm going to check it out tomorrow. But the thing is, I really wanted to build the bike. It wasn't just about having a fun little fast thing to zip around the city, it was about the pride of saying "Yep, that one's mine. Built her with my own two hands."

But I guess that's a dream that's just going to have to wait a while...

I'M ALL OUT OF LOVE, I'M SO LOST WITHOOUUT YOU
I KNOW YOU WERE RIGHT, BELIEVIN FOR SO LONG

Alright, enough of that.

On a lighter note, some work friends and I have decided to try some of the restaurants in the neighborhood surrounding The Bureau. For those of you who don't know (which is just about everyone), we're in the middle of the ghetto. I'm not exaggerating. There's a strip mall next to the building that features such lovely stores as "Suitland Discount Furniture," "Royal Scent of a Moor," and "Da Closet," where there was recently a murder. But there are also tons of *interesting* little restaurants around and we've decided to review them for the benefit of the brave few who venture off campus for lunch.

Today, we went to what we thought was a Mexican place. Turns out it was El Salvadorian. Not much of a difference in the food, but for the love of God, don't ever call an El Salvadorian a Mexican. The place is pretty divey, but the food was legit good. Not just OK for the area, I mean, this was really REALLY good.

(Dear, Brittany. You'll want to skip over this paragraph. You're welcome.) I got a chicken burrito. It was coated in cheese and served with a fork and knife. I've never had a burrito served with a fork and knife, and I'll be honest, I'd be alright never having a burrito without utensils again. I'm normally pretty portion-conscious, but I devoured that sucker and enjoyed every single mouth-watering bite. I did have to tack an extra bunch of miles onto my normal bike route, but it was worth it. Oh, how worth it it was. I'd do it again tomorrow if my arteries weren't currently sobbing in the corner.

Plus, they serve coke in glass bottles. Not just any glass bottles, imported glass bottles. This is the good shit - the kind with real sugar instead of corn syrup. The nutrition information was printed on a piece of paper glued to the side because whatever country it came from doesn't have an FDA to get in between me and my liver damage. My body, my choice.

It might have cocaine in it, I don't know.

Afterward, I had a pretty important meeting and could barely keep my head up because my body was too focused on trying to digest all of the Salvadorian goodness. So what did I do? Doodled, of course. "Eyes open, keep them." Yes, my handwriting really is that bad.

Changing the subject entirely, I've added a couple new pages, like I said I would. The first is "When Zero Isn't Really Zero," which is about my frustration with the hypocrisy of so-called "zero-emission" vehicles. The second one is "Tea Party is Confused," which is some highlights from an interesting survey of self-identified Tea Party supporters. Enjoy!

YouTubesday V and Stuff

2010-04-13T21:40:00.000-04:00

Because things have been really busy at work lately, I haven't been able to waste so many hours on YouTube. To make up for it, I'm bringing you other things from around the interwebs that have been causing me to lose sleep, in good ways and bad ways.

Robert Pattinson considers himself a musician/actor, not the other way around. Which is odd, because he seems to be making a lot more money acting than musicing.

Mike found this one. Pay attention to the tiger in the background.

I have a theory. The guy who was supposed to be in the tiger costume got sick or something, couldn't make it that night, and asked his friend to do it for him. "Dude, it's really easy. Just walk out there with the other animals and chill in the background. No experience necessary," he says. Little did he know, his friend was a dick. So he drops some acid, plugs in his iPod, and this was the result.

Could someone translate this for me? Or, failing that, provide an explanation of any kind?

Nike, one of Tiger's few (only?) remaining sponsors, has a new commercial out, which is basically 30 seconds of him staring into the camera looking sad. This apparently pisses off Christian Bale.

Many people attack Nike for their noted lack of morals, but I'll be damned if they don't know how to make money. The decision to keep Woods on board while everyone else drops him like a hot potato is fitting of their shrewd style, and just one of the numerous discerning moves the company has made. In my humble opinion.

An excerpt form the Environmental Economics blog:

It’s almost as if the knee-jerk aversion to economics that exists among many environmentalists prevents them from acknowledging the truth: that mainstream economics is very much on their side. While criticizing economics may help them polish their leftist credentials and demonstrate the contrarian-independent thinking that grabs headlines, it ultimately leads to sloppy thinking.

Ironically, one of the writers of the blog is an Ohio State faculty, my alma mater, and a university where the school of environmental sciences was often so leftist that I, a moderate, felt unwelcome in the classroom. It was a major factor in my decision to change majors. That aside, the writer of this particular article is absolutely right. As an economist, it's so damn hard to discuss environmental issues because many environmentalists will automatically assume that economist = right-wing, when, in fact, that's not even close to the truth. I post this because as we speak, I am cooking up an environmental article to add to my page thingamajigger up at the top. I'm hoping the finished product will be intelligent and insightful, and not rambly and nonsensical as it currently is.

And finally...

The Perks of Being a City Boy

2010-04-11T22:44:00.000-04:00

Couple short stories with lots of pictures. First, on Saturday, La Shawn, Alison, and I went back to the cherry blossoms. There were hardly any left, but it was ok because we also went to the US Botanical Gardens.

Also, I spotted this lady. Listen, if you're unfamiliar in a place, it's fine to be a tourist. It's fine to look like a tourist. If you really want to wear the fanny pack, I'll understand, even if I make fun of you. But the face mask?? Come on, now. If you're that afraid of the germs that roam around in public, then stay home.

Then today we went to the zoo. I got more pictures.

I returned home to discover fireworks coming from National Harbor, about four or five miles away in Maryland.

And that view, combined with the spectacular weather we've been having, has led me to make a change in my life. I am officially moving out of my apartment. Where am I going? My balcony, of course :)

On a completely unrelated note, I scored myself another bliggity blog award, y'all! This is a good one.

I got it from Rainey over at A Rainey Day... with a chance of sunshine.

The rules for this one:

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER.
2. Choose ONE of the following options for accepting the OMB! award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a "Soundtrack of your childhood" blog.
(d) Make your next blog a "vlog", or video blog. Basically, you talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (makeup, brush hair, pee, etc.) and post it.
3. Pass the award on to at least three, but preferably more, awesome bloggers like yourself. Don't forget to tell them (duh).

1. Check
2. I'll have to figure this out. Look out for it.
3. I'm sticking to three, suck it up. And they are...

Shayna at Life: Forward
Josh at Running Commentary
Ashley at You're the Charlie Browniest

Enjoy, yous guys.

Another completely unrelated note: Still don't know what the hell is wrong with the colors of the links. Sometimes they're the normal color, other times they're an eye-shattering shade of blue. Or is it purple? I'm colorblind, I don't know these things.

Is That a Pillow In Your Bag, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

2010-04-07T16:43:00.001-04:00

Life is a series of events so infinitesimally small that we can't even begin to imagine the scale on which they occur. Each one has a direct effect on every one following it, yet for the majority of our lives, we never perceive it because, generally, we stay within the scope of our quotidian routines.

Generally.

Now, I'm no stranger to adventure, but it's been a quiet few weeks around here. With a midnight showing of Big Lebowski, International Pillow Fight Day, and the Cherry Blossom Festival on deck last weekend, I knew it had potential. But never for a moment did I even stop to consider that one simple purchase would send my weekend into a tailspin...

Big Lebowski was awesome, but really, could it have been anything else? It's outside the boundaries of this story, so I'll just say this: at some point, La Shawn and Pam got up to "go to the bathroom." They returned over an hour later, much more intoxicated than when they left, with a British guy named James. It was an interesting experience all around.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

I'm in the process of building a new bike, so saturday morning I went to DC Bike Swap 2010 to buy a whole bunch of parts that I was missing. Namely, the frame - widely considered to be the most important part of the bike, possibly second only to wheels. (Photo courtesy of The DC Examiner, I'm not in it, btw)

Things were going slow at first, and all I was able to pick up was were handlebars, brakes, and a 16-tooth cog. I kept wandering around hoping someone would move some stock around to reveal a frame my size, but was giving up hope. Then I saw it. A 49cm carbon fiber Trek OCLV frame. It was perfect and it had to be mine.

Afterward, I found myself in Pam's neighborhood, so we went for lunch, leaving the frame in her apartment because I didn't want to carry it around with me. Plus, we planned on going to the International Pillow Fight Day pillow fight on the Mall and, really, who brings a bike frame to a pillow fight? Nobody, that's who.

On the way to lunch, we stopped at a Census outreach booth and Pam scored a free Census tote. Pam stuffed her pillow into the bag, I carried mine in my messenger bag.

We wound up being 30 minutes late to the fight and it was almost over by the time we got there, but we spotted these two guys, also with pillows stuffed into Census totes, and strike up a conversation. They are Keenan (right) and Ben (left), and they got their totes from the same place we did. The actual fight was a lot of fun, despite the fact that it was dying down. There were a bunch of little kids who seemed to have picked up pillows that other people left behind, but mostly there were people around our age. We would stand around and talk, then break out into a fight, get tired, stand around and talk, break out into a fight, wash, rinse, and repeat. Always repeat.

A couple hours later, we're tired of pillow fighting, so Keenan, Ben, Pam and I went for drinks. We had lots of booze at a time that was too early to have had that many booze, La Shawn joined us, and we eventually decided to head back to our new friend Ben's place for even more drinks. Ben, as it turns out, lives with a professional triathlete. I drooled over his bikes for a while and dreamed of what I could do with my new frame.

By the time we headed out to U St, I was already pretty drunk. At some point, two girls showed up, Becca and Rachel, and I quickly realized that I wasn't going to get my frame back that night.

Things are blurry until about 12:30, when La Shawn and I went for drunchies, and returned to announce that this day had gone on long enough, and it was time to end it before things went downhill in a hurry. Rachel offered me a place to stay in lieu of sleeping in the back of my car at the metro, an offer she wouldn't let me refuse. The frame stayed at Pam's.

Waking up at 9AM, I remembered that I had to meet Samara, Jackie, and Jacob at the Washington Monument in five hours for the Cherry Blossom Festival. I decided not to get the frame and leave it for later because I didn't know if Pam was up yet. So I went home and hacked some parts off old bikes I had taken from my parents' basement on Friday, but without a frame there wasn't much I could do. I guess in retrospect I could have tried juggling. But I'm not really sure how that would have accomplished anything, and I don't really know how to juggle, so it's probably better that I didn't.

I wound up waiting about 30 minutes for Jackie and another 30 for Samara and Jacob. I thought about going to get the frame, but then I'd have to carry it around the Festival, whacking tourists left and right. They probably would've deserved it somehow, but that's beside the point.

We spent hours at the festival, most of which was at Jefferson, playing Tourist-Resident, a people watching game Samara and I enjoy often, where we talk about who's a tourist and who's a resident. Anyone with a camera around their neck, a fanny pack, or an I [HEART] DC shirt is automatically a tourist, someone with a stolen stroller is automatically a resident.

Also, I took some pretty pictures.

Afterward, I went back to Samara's for dinner with her family and told Pam I'd pick up the frame on the way home from dinner, which I did.

Everything was going fine until getting back on the metro, bike frame in hand. I needed a yellow train, but only greens were coming through. I'd been there for about 30 minutes, and as I was thinking that I should go ask the station manager what's up, some girl goes for it. I follow her up and get to the office just in time to hear "I don't see any more yellow trains... it's too early for the last one, but the next one hasn't left yet, I guess. I don't know why... I don't know what's going on, sorry."

Another 20 minutes goes by before we actually heard any news - we had to take green down a couple stops, where a yellow train would magically appear to take us home. Why can't it magically appear three stops higher on the line? These are the mysteries of life.

Sidenote: the picture to the right is actually kind of old, I took it at the Columbia Heights station. Get it? COLUMbia Heights? They scratched off the rest of the word and left "colum" and it's funny because it's on a column. Vandalism this clever can only be the work of hipsters.

Two hours. That's how long it took to get home. A trip that normally takes 30-40 minutes took two hours of my life, getting me home a solid seven hours before I had to be at work.

All because of that one infinitesimally small moment when I decided to stick around the bike swap until I got the frame I came for.

YouTubesday V

2010-04-06T11:37:00.002-04:00

Future stunt driver, right here. Father will be proud, mother will be mortified.

This second one comes to you courtesy of JerseySJov, who found it last week.

If you've never seen Will It Blend, go check it out. Their blenders are unbelievably tough. I once saw them blend a rake. A WHOLE GODDAMN RAKE, PEOPLE! This is their latest installment, blending an iPad.

And a math teacher's April Fools Day joke, actually pretty well executed.

That's all for this week. I know it's a short one, but I've had a crazy couple of days. Details on that another time.

Manhood 070 - Remedial Manhood

2010-04-01T14:01:00.002-04:00

Something cropped up on my reader today, of which I just couldn't let go. I mean, this is utterly ridiculous.

Like many governments, DC has been running a deficit for a long time. Mayor Fenty's solution? Creating a 100-seat concilium ampulus ("large council", like a State Senate, but not a State Senate because DC isn't a state) and SELL OFF THE SEATS to the highest bidder. City Treasurer Tony Zidich estimates it will raise about $5.5 million, cutting the deficit in half. Unbelievable. For the full story, click here.

On to what I really want to discuss today.

A new blogger friend, Shayna, recently had a run-in with one of the more colorful characters of the internet. These guys call themselves the Manhood Academy, though Shayna refers to them as “ignorant men holding hands.” On their website, they claim to “develop your male authority. Backed by a growing community of men, Manhood Academy's goal is to help you establish your male identity, in the face of Feminism's emasculating ideology.”

…right…

Their recent tweets include (sorry in advance for the offensive language, but I feel it's important not to censor in this context; First Amendment hard at work)

@TheSexist So typical of passive-aggressive feminists cunts like you to run from a debate. ps. keep the bag over your head, it helps! ;)

#tigerwoodspressconference when are we going to get an apology video from ALL THE SLUTS? never. http://manhood101.com/forum

@SarahKSilverman fuck that. marriage is a scam. women are the only ones who benefit from marriage. guys can get the same thing being single

@NineDeuce Hey cunt, I thought I told you to fetch? keep fetching! :) LOL

To all those emailing us about Wendy Weissman's psychotic behavior, please try to keep your comments civil and appropriate for publication.…

I found that last one ironic.

Listen, I’m a fan of manliness and whatnot. In fact, one of my favorite blogs is The Art of Manliness. The difference is that while AOM also promotes bringing back manliness, their method doesn’t involve oppression of women. Because when you need to push everyone else down in order to raise yourself up, you’re not really getting any higher. Their recent posts include

Building Your Resliency Part VI: Quit Catastrophizing

Man Knowledge: Dueling II - Prominent Duels in American History

How to Jump From a Speeding Vehicle

A Man's Guide to Dining Etiquette and Proper Table Manners

10 Wilderness Survival Skills from Hatchet

See the difference?

Shayna’s already torn Manhood Academy apart in one of her posts. But I’d like to take a look at the header on their website, because I found it pretty funny in that disturbing-that-these-people-actually-exist kinda way. You might have to click on the image to enlarge it in order to see what I’m talking about.

did you catch the typo? paint doesn't have spellcheck :P

I'm guessing they would fit in really well with these guys

without realizing that this was going on down the hall

WHY DON'T PEOPLE DANCE LIKE THAT ANYMORE?!

UPDATE: something is wrong with the color of the links of my page. I can't seem to fix it. Soooo I'm going to see if it goes away on April 2nd.

YouTubesday IV

2010-03-30T20:41:00.000-04:00

On Friday, half my branch of was out. Of those left, most of us were 20somethings. I don't care what you say about "maturity," you leave a bunch of 20somethings unsupervised and there's only one thing that can happen: horrid amounts of YouTube. Let me clear: we got work done. We worked our asses off... intermittently. An hour of work, and then a chuckle off in the distance. Suddenly an IM shows up with a link. A flurry of links fly around for a while, and then it's back to work. That's pretty much how Friday went for us.

These are the fruits of our labor.

First, I'd like to poke fun at Avatar's complete and total lack of an original plot... again.

If you've been following for a week or two, you'll know I have a soft spot for dubbing. This is a good one of THE THING. It's safe for work if you're Vic, but otherwise... use your judgement.

Redneck Games. Just for the record, those are pigs' feet they're bobbing for. I feel like my kind isn't welcome there.

Then we kicked it old school. What would happen is Mortal Kombat's Scorpion and Subzero played Oregon Trail?

And, as has become the usual over here, a friendly reminder to fill out your 1990 Census.

These last two are kinda long, but you pretty much get the jist of it. I present to you: Don't Copy That Floppy

And the official sequel (yes, they made a sequel), Don't Copy That 2

That's all for this week.

Newsflash

2010-03-29T15:35:00.002-04:00

So I'm sick and can't go to the Passover seder tonight. Instead, my mom will set up a webcam so I won't miss any of the high-octane, low-carb action! I'm going to liveblog the seder (why? because I'm going to be sitting alone in my apartment watching a seder, that's why) on twitter. @dmsheldon87

A Little Explanation

2010-03-28T16:54:00.001-04:00

I feel like I need to explain what just happened with those two reviews.

I celebrated my enormous tax return by continuing to spoil my bike with upgrades. On Thursday, I bought new toe clips

and a new seat. Also notice some reflecting tape I slapped on.

And my floor is officially a mess. I should probably clean up around here.

So after these latest additions, my dad and I went for a 17 mile ride down the Mt Vernon Trail, to Big George's house and back, and it was a great ride. It was cold and hilly, but I had a ton of fun. Word of advice to anyone thinking about taking a walk on a bike path: when someone says "ON YOUR LEFT!" that means "I'm coming up on your left." Either keep your line or move to the right. Do not move to the left. Do not turn around to see where the bike is. Do not stop. And for the love of God, do not do this...

Me: "ON THE LEFT!"

Him: Oh, he must want me to move to the left

Me: Damnit, don't do that! Whatever, I'll just pass him on the right

Him: *Turning around to see where I am* Oh, he meant he was coming up on the left. Well let me move back to the right and stop walking so he can pass me on the left like he originally wanted but no longer has the time to do.

Me: Well isn't that just dandy? Only one way out of this...

Me: Damn, I'm good
Him: Damn, he's good.

Seriously, I don't know how I didn't hit him. I heard from other cyclists that the dude pirouetted out of the way in the nick of time. All I know is that I came within an inch of a major collision, and this is NOT the first time this has happened.

Aaaanyway, because I like it when people review products I'm trying to buy, I left a couple reviews. So that's what happened.

My Review of Serfas RX Saddle - Men's

2010-03-28T11:07:00.002-04:00

UPDATE: Soooo I reviwed a couple products on REI.com and they asked "Would you like to publish this review on your blog?" And I said "Sure!" Lo and behold, they actually did publish it on my blog. I guess I entered this info in a while ago...? Anyway, feel free to disregard this and the last post, because I a fully aware that 99% of the people who see this really couldn't give a rat's ass about cycling-induced genital numbness.

Originally submitted at REI

Serfas® men's RX bike saddles have been engineered and clinically found to help in the prevention of cycling-induced genital numbness.

Chunky But Comfy

By Another David from Washington, DC on 3/28/2010

Gift: No
Pros: Good Padding
Cons: Heavy
Best Uses: Long Rides, Commuting
Describe Yourself: Casual/ Recreational

When I put it on my bike, it looked kind of silly because it's chunky and awkward. My route is dotted with wooden bridges which are normally a pain, but I didn't feel a thing with this saddle. I'm still considering finding a lighter option for shorter rides, but for 17 miles it was nice to be comfortable.

(legalese)

My Review of Wellgo MT-10 Strapless Toeclips

2010-03-28T10:59:00.002-04:00

UPDATE: See the update on the next post for an explanation as to what the hell happened here.

Originally submitted at REI

These strapless toe clips offer a secure, comfortable fit in a minimalist package.

Inexpensive and Awesome

By Another David from Washington, DC on 3/28/2010

Gift: No
Pros: Reliable Entry/Exit, Increases Pedaling Efficiency
Best Uses: Road Biking, Upgrade
Describe Yourself: Casual/ Recreational

These clips are great! They're really easy to install, and I immediately noticed a difference in my ride. I was concerned at first that they would be too flimsy to really transfer any power because my last clips did nothing if the straps weren't tight enough, but they are pretty rigid and hold up very well on the upswing. For $5, you CANNOT beat it.

These clips would be great for a commuter or a casual triathlete who doesn't want to invest in clipless and/or change shoes during transition.

(legalese)

Death by Taxes

2010-03-25T17:20:00.000-04:00

Ben Franklin once commented that "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." I can only imagine that he followed that with "Ironically, the latter tends to cause the former."

That was almost the case for me. Almost.

I was a resident of Maryland until August, when I moved to Virginia. The problem is, I never changed my tax designation. So all those income taxes that I should have been paying to Virginia? Yeah, none of them were paid. I realized this far too long ago without having done anything about it.

It's been racking my mind every day since then. I knew one day I was going to have to man up, face my fears, and write a huge frikkin check to the Virginia Department of Taxation. The very thought of taxes caused all my defense mechanism to spring to life. I promised myself I would have my taxes done in February, and broke that promise. I made another promise to myself that I wouldn't let March go without getting this whole situation straightened out.

Last weekend I realized March was almost up, and I'd made ZERO progress. So I made a pledge: I can't go to the Cherry Blossom Festival until my taxes are done, which gave me a week to clean up this mess.

Yesterday, I woke up at 5:40 AM, half an hour before my alarm was supposed to go off. Normally, I fall back asleep, wake up in a weird part of my sleep cycle, and am groggy for the rest of the day. But as I felt myself drifting off, I opened my eyes and said "No. Not today. Today will be different." I sat up.

I swallowed my pride, and made a couple long-overdue phone calls. I opened an account on TurboTax. I stayed up until midnight. And the end result was astonishing.

I'M $2000 IN THE BLACK!!!

The vast majority of this came from the Feds, who've been taxing me at the rate I would have to pay if I'd worked all through 2009. But I started in June, so I only made half my salary, which knocked me down a couple tax brackets, so I got about half of that back. The money I owe Virginia is completely covered by what Maryland owes me, and then some.

I'm not going to spend it all in one place. I'm not even going to spend it all. But all those bike upgrades? Yeah, those are happening. Triathlon? I haven't been able to afford one in two years! New running shoes? I'm going to need them. Wet suit? OK, I'm drawing the line at wet suit, but mostly because I don't have time to train for any tri that would require one.

I feel like I can breathe again.

On a completely unrelated note: I believe the metamorphosis is complete. Check out the new pages at the top!

YouTubesday III

2010-03-23T10:01:00.002-04:00

A couple orders of business before we get to the goods. First off, the Economics page is almost done, just working out some bugs with the videos. All in all, there were eighteen posts that I moved over there, and I'm writing a new one about urban beekeeping. I'm still working on Politics and Environment.

Second off, voting is complete for the macbook decal. I combined the votes from the poll and the comments because it's impossible to tell who voted where. If you did both, congrats, your vote counts twice. If you only did one, you should have followed the instructions, sucka. And the winner is... STICK FIGURE ATLAS! Congrats, little dude.

Now that that's out of the way, let's kick it off with some music. Interesting song, more interesting video. Not sure how I feel about Peaches, but Shunda K was awesome! WARNING: Not exactly SFW, depending on where you work and how cool your boss is.

When you work with a ninja, there will be clues.

I'm sure almost everyone has seen the Bird of Paradise mating dance from Planet Earth. But that was nothing compared to the Pakistan-India border closing ceremony.

I've been searching for a good Chatroulette video for a long time, and guys, I think I found one. If you haven't yet watched Merton's improv piano, do so now. Otherwise, this video might not be so funny. So one night in Charolette, NC, Merton gathered a crowd of 2000 people and did improv piano LIVE! My favorite part is when they meet sideways note guy. It's like the battle of the Chatroulette memes!

And since it's been a few days since I told you to fill out your Census...

Death of a Cellphone

2010-03-21T22:03:00.000-04:00

First, there was a cellphone. It was a good cell phone, but one day started doing this weird thing where the screen would be just blank white when I opened it. I could easily fix it by closing it and opening it up again, but it was annoying. So I got a new phone because I was eligible for an upgrade.

That phone was stupid. It wouldn't let me see the time or anything if I had a missed call. It didn't automatically save sent texts. Calls didn't end when other person hung up, I had to actively end the call. Just to name a few.

After a few months, I got fed up and went back to my old phone. I dealt with the stupid white screen thing. Things started getting worse. Last week, it started taking many rounds of opening and closing to get it to wake up. On Friday, le shit met le fan. It just wouldn't come back. Which, of course, meant that everyone and their mother was texting me, leaving me with absolutely no way of finding out who was trying to contact me or why. Awesome.

But this time, I'm not eligible for an upgrade until August. Rather than pay $50 for a new phone that I'd use for a solid five months, I went back to my previous phone. And it still sucks.

In other news, THE WEATHER IS AWESOME! Finally! Which meant this weekend I got to break out Old Blue. What is Old Blue? My bike. While it's not really that old, it is blue. After three years of college life abuse, it desperately needed some upgrades.

First, new water bottles/cages

Second, new handlebar tape

There are still some fixes that need to be made... the front derailleur (thingy that moves the chain between the big three gears) has been screwy for a long time, and I've been toying with the idea of getting a new cassette (set of rear gears) or just new wheels all together, and I definitely want to put add a fender (thingy that stops water from splashing up on my ass when the road is wet).

But this was good enough for the weekend, and I got to go on two rides. Friday, I went on a little tour of the monuments, which was my first experience riding through city traffic. FUN! Glad I had a helmet, though. I don't know how people can go without. Snagged an interesting picture of a memorial for Iraqi victims of the war, in preparation for a rally that was to take place on Saturday.

Sunday was a bit of a different story. I wanted to check out Teddy Roosevelt Island, which is on the Potomac between DC and VA. I took a look at the map, and it looked like it might be a 10-mile round trip on the Mt Vernon Trail. Oh, how wrong I was. First of all, it turned out to be closer to 20 miles. Second of all, the trail was crowded as hell. Which meant I couldn't just do a nice, steady 10 miles to the island. I had to keep waiting behind slower cyclists, runners, even walkers until I could pass. Having to constantly speed up and slow down was like doing sprints all the way there. The way back was just as bad, if not worse because I was riding into the wind!

Also, a bee flew into my face. It hurt. Me going 20mph + bee going 30mph = rocket bee. To the face. I don't know how I didn't lose control.

Every single part of me is in pain. But at least I got some nice pictures out of it?

Escher, Eat Your Heart Out

2010-03-18T18:30:00.002-04:00

Sorry about my lack of commentage lately, I've been at a conference for a couple days. That combined with St Patty's Day equals me having zero free time. When I looked at Google Reader today I had a whopping 954 unreads, about 50 from people who I follow and regularly comment on. If I haven't gotten to you yet, I'm getting there, I promise! I have Friday off :)

First thing's first, I want to say a big, overdue thank you to Shayna for the One Lovely Blog award! And I hereby pass it onto my newest commentors/followers:

UPDATE: woah, sorry guys, got this all kindsa messed up. It's all fixed now, though

Rainey at A Rainey Day
Callie at eight days a week
Ashley at You're the Charlie Browniest

No rules, just do with it what you'd like :)

Next, the Census. As you may know, I'm a statistician for The Bureau. Though I work on a different survey, I'll help out the guys sardined into the storage closet down the hall, by continuing to jam this message down everyone's throats:

FILL OUT YOUR CENSUS

For those of you still in college, if you're living in your dorm on April 1st, then that's where you're counted, regardless of your permanent address. Make sure your parents don't list you at their house. Unless you're a slow writer, it will not even take you the 10 minutes they say it will.

If you don't send it back, someone will show up at your door, and that will cost the taxpayers (you included) over 100 times more than it had to. How should we know how many schools we need if we don't know how many people need schools?

Third, the conference. It was about surveys - new technologies in preparing, conducting, and processing. Things I accomplished there:

1) Had lunch at/a tour of the Heritage Foundation, thanks to Jess. (If you're wondering, it looks exactly like what you'd expect - lots of leather, oak, and portraits of Ronald Reagan)

2) Got into Congress without waiting in line thanks to a House-staffing friend of Pam's. (Republican staff, actually... I guess it was a Conservative kinda day for me)

3) Added about 30 songs to my iPod, including but not limited to:
3-1) Aspidistra - The Scotland Yard Gospel Choir (not actually a gospel choir)
3-2) Finer Feelings - Spoon
3-3) For the Girl - The Fratellis
3-4) Lullaby - The Cat Empire
3-5) The Start of Something - Voxtrot
3-6) Kid On My Shoulders - White Rabbits
3-7) Electric Feel - MGMT
3-8) Song - Smog
3-9) Ball O' Bonafide Fax - That 1 Guy
3-10) A-Punk - Vampire Weekend

4) This (click to embiggen):

Some closeups of my favorite two parts, perpendicular floors and ascending/descending stairs

5) Drank on not one, not two, not even three, but rather FOUR separate occasions on St. Patty's day.

6) Learned something about surveys.

And as always (this week), don't forget to help me pick my macbook decal. Thanks!

YouTubesday: First Blood Part II

2010-03-16T10:30:00.003-04:00

This bird at the Australia National Zoo has learned to immitate construction sounds perfectly. Including, but not limited to: heavy machinery, saws, drills, hammers, and people talking!

I like patterns that build on themselves until they get into somewhat of an orderly chaos. Also, teddy bears are fun. It's like they made this video just for me!

When your daily commute involves hanging off the side of a train, this doesn't seem so dangerous. And you know it's not America because nobody sucker-punched that guy hanging out of the car

I was introduced to "ghostridin the whip" by my co-workers yesterday. It was only a matter of hours before I was full-on addicted. In case you haven't heard of it, ghostridin the whip is when you let your car idle while you get out and dance alongside it. This is what it looks like when done right.

Obviously, this has potential to go massively wrong (Credit to Pam for this find)

Or, it can go massively right (skip to about 0:30)

That's all for this week, hope you guys enjoyed, and don't forget to vote for your favorite macbook decal!

Puxsutawney Phil is Asshole, Accurate

2010-03-15T11:37:00.000-04:00

First, I want to announce that I have a new favorite CAPTCHA word: flogoria! I got it while commenting on Brittany's blog. Unlike my previous favorite word - forfat - this one does not have any exact matches in Google, which I kind of like. Also, flogoria sounds like the name of a city of log flumes, and I love log flumes. Plus, it's tons of fun to say. Try it. Out loud. Right now.
Wasn't that fun?!

K, great, moving on.

Back on February 2nd, Puxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, dooming Washington DC to six more weeks of winter. The snowiest winter on record. Snowier than Buffalo, NY. Phil, you suck. It's a good thing you live in a little hole in the ground and only come out once a year because there are people out there who want you dead.

Well, it's been almost exactly six weeks, and check out this forecast! Five sunny days over sixty!! Phil pretty much nailed it.

You know what spring means? Outdoor blogging! And you know what outdoor blogging means? PIMP MY MAC! (Also, my poor bike needs some upgrades... three years of college abuse with no money to give her the lovin she deserved was pretty rough. But that's for another time)

I've had my eye on macbook decals for a long time. The problem is, I've been thinking about it so long that I've racked up too many options for me to be able to effectively make a decision. I've narrowed it down to four, but now I need help...

Son of Mac, based on Son of Man. I like it because of the play on the original, but I don't really get Son of Man, which makes me feel weird about making a play on it.

Stick figure Atlas. I like it because it's small and simple, but I kind of wish it were actually Atlas instead of a stick figure.

Wall-E. Cute. Very cute. Too cute?

The headless horseman. Too morbid?

So this is how it's going to work. I've created a poll over on the side module and you have a week to vote, but you can also leave your pick in the comments. If you don't like any of them, you can always take a look on etsy and point me in the direction of another one.

Metamorphosis

2010-03-14T15:34:00.000-04:00

We've got a bit of a deluge going on here in DC. The Potomac River is flooding, and Cameron Run - the Potomac tributary next to which I live - is getting there. So I took advantage of the weather to finish up a project I started months ago, a 5" model of an SBD-5 Dauntless (a WWII bomber). I was progressing nicely until I discovered I was missing a bunch of paints. Then I had better things to do. Then I didn't really have any excuses, I was just being lazy.

So Saturday afternoon, I went and picked up the last few paints I needed and finished up that sonuvabich. It made my inner 10-year old very happy.

I tried to use some light chrome brushing to make it look like it'd been to hell and back again, but did a pisspoor job. It went waaaay overboard on the sides and I couldn't really undo it. Oh well, lesson learned, I guess.

It looks good up close, though. Funny how the parts can look better than their sum.

Major Kong, your ride is waiting.

(Skip to about 4:00 for the good part)

On to what I really wanted to talk about...

I started this blog on September 25th because the 420-character limit on facebook statuses just wasn't cutting it anymore. My first post was about quarterback ratings in college football and how I felt that they were shafting quarterbacks like Terrelle Pryor, who might not have the best arms in the league, but more than make up for it with superior running ability. I came up with a new system for ranking quarterbacks. A perfect blend of my college football-obsessed side and my stats nerd side.

Predictably, it got 0 comments.

I didn't get a single comment until October 4th. It was Josh (thanks, dude). One more came two days later. It was my mom (thanks, mom). And that's how it went for a while. Comments would trickle in, about one or two a week. I had a spam robot for a while, that was fun. I was working my ass off, digging up stats, creating massive spreadsheets of thousands of games and players going back for years. Not that I was doing it for the comments, I was legit enjoying the work, but it felt... unrewarding is the only word that comes to mind.

Then football season ended. I joined 20SB. I started blogging more about economics, trying to tie it in with everyday life. I talked about how Microsoft is good for the economy because their inefficiency creates more jobs, showed that the news was affecting the economy instead of the economy affecting the news, and applied the Hotelling Beach Model to the evening news, to name (and plug) a few of my favorites.

Still, the little unique views counter at the bottom of the page hardly budged.

Somewhere along the line, something changed. I've spent a lot of time trying to pinpoint exactly when it was, but I can't find it. My posts aren't the same as they used to be. Lots of mindless rambling, very little structure. It seems like you guys like it, and that makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, I really like mindless rambling, it's just...

Lately I've been thinking about leaning more toward the way things used to be. Maybe not so much with the economics per se, but instead of "this happened, then that happened, and then this other thing happened," it'd be more like "here's something that caught my eye, here's my opinion on the subject."

I know the blog is for me, not everyone else, but I like my blogger friends. While I'm sure you guys would hang in there for a while, let's be real, economics is the most boring/confusing subject on the face of the Earth to almost all of its inhabitants. On the other hand, this is the internet - where anybody can say anything. I'd like to use my little corner of cyberspace to let all my brain-demons spill out onto the computer screens of unfortunate, unsuspecting curious cats.

So I've come up with a compromise. At the top of this page, you'll notice I added a page: Economics. I plan on adding Politics and Environment soon. Maybe I'll leave it at three, maybe I won't. I don't know yet, I just started doing this. Lay off with the inquisition, alright??

Over the next few days, I'll be copying a bunch of posts over there and prettying it up. From now on, that's where my geekdom will reside. Most of it, anyway. When something new is up, I'll be sure to link to it in my regular posts, so that you can choose whether you want your brain scrambled or fried. Or both, if that's what you're into.

Vampires, Rain, and Happiness

2010-03-12T15:29:00.006-05:00

The plan for last night was to rally some troops and go see a free showing of Nosferatu at the Smithsonian American Art Museum. It's a 1922 vampire movie, silent and in black and white, and an original score was to be performed LIVE by the Thad Wilson Jazz Orchestra.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Vampires? Really? David, put your balls back on. But this isn't like your Twilight vampires that glitter in the sunlight and refuse human blood. This was one of those old school vampires.

See the difference?

I was getting really excited for it, until I realized no one was going to go with me because once again, my friends are apparently too cool for this kind of thing. But I learned my lesson from missing Trolls 2 on Friday: some things are worth going it alone. Fortunately, I didn't have to. A friend who I will call Jay-Z (because I promised I wouldn't spill the beans on her whereabouts) told me an hour before the movie that she was down.

The movie was awesome! The vampire was creepy as hell, especially when he was rising from his coffin and sneaking into peoples' bedrooms and stuff. Good chunks of the movie were pretty funny, too. The main character is a bumbling idiot, who says things to his wife like "I have good news! I am going very far away, to the land of thieves and ghosts!" There's a good sequence of Count Orlok wandering around town carrying a giant coffin full of dirt. Apparently, the source of a vampire's power is the dirt in which they were buried; they have to take it with them when they move to a new house...

Afterward, we went to Rocket Bar for a little bit of pool. Despite my assertion that I don't go easy on girls, I didn't want to be an ass, so I went easy on her. I felt that it was starting to annoy her, so I stopped. Well, I tried to stop. Maybe it was the pressure. Maybe it was the one drink. I don't know. But all of a sudden, I couldn't find a pocket to save my life and I felt like an ass. When I still won, I felt like more of an ass for complaining about how bad I was doing.

By the time I got off the Metro, it was pouring. I live a mile away and of course left my umbrella at work. With not a cab in sight, I didn't really have a choice... Despite being entirely unprepared and with my pockets full of all kinds of stuff, I had to book it. And I don't mean walking briskly or a fun jog, I mean a side-splitting, leg-cramping, pavement jockey hustle.

Six and a half minutes later, I was selectively soaked. My front down to my knees was completely water-logged; jacket, shirt, pants, underwear, everything; but my back below my shoulders was bone dry. My shins were wet, and my feet were drenched (poor argyle socks!). The inside, outisde, and back of my legs were ok, except for where I kicked water up onto my ass. I was confused and annoyed. Connoyed, if you will.

I took a picture, for your viewing pleasure. Apologies for the popped collar, I was trying to stay dry...

This morning, I woke up to discover I won another bloggie! This one coming from Gnetch at Thank Goodness for the Good Ones, whom I promptly insulted (let's face it, sometimes my sense of humor needs some calibration). So thanks and sorry, Gnetch. While we both repress that memory, I'll do this.

The Rules:
1) Thank the person who gave it to you.
2) List an undisclosed number of things that make you happy.
3) Tag an undisclosed number of people.

K great. I can do this.

1) Thanks again!

2-1) Taking long showers
2-2) Old, classic movies
2-3) Pandora's indie rock station... most of the time
2-4) Jersey's HNT. Just sayin.
2-5) Afternoon naps
2-6) Campfires on cold nights
2-7) Maker's Mark on the rocks

3) I have run out of people to tag for these awards. I've tagged a lot of people twice, there's a possibility someone's been tagged three times, I don't know, my memory sucks. So here's how this is going down: if you comment, you get one, because comments make me happy :)

You see what I did there? I made it all sentimental and stuff to cover up my blatant laziness. Did you see that?

TGIF. Now I'm going to attempt to have a nice, quiet weekend. For once.

Doodle Master

2010-03-10T23:11:00.004-05:00

DISCLAIMER: AN ARTIST, I AM NOT. That would be my sister. But I wasn't kidding when I said I was a master of doodling because the great thing about doodling is that it takes absolutely no skill whatsoever! Yesterday, I said I'd post the doodles I doodled up in my two-day doodle class on survey doodle design and doodle development doodle doodle.

It started out innocently enough, with just some simple lines, vaguely topographic but random nonetheless.

Then the boredom really set in. I saw Pam doing some econ grad school homework, and failing the inspriation to actually draw, I decided to flex my math muscles by making up an equation - ((1+2x)^2)/5x - and solving for the derivative until I just couldn't do it anymore. Remember, I'm shooting for a PhD in economics, so yes, this is what I do when I get bored.

Problem was, I screwed up right in the beginning and the whole thing turned into a mess. I kept trying to back track to figure out where I went wrong, but couldn't see what was right in front of me. The derivative of (1+2x)^2 isn't 4x, it's 4+8x. I took derivative calculus THREE TIMES! (Long story for another time) That shouldn't have happened.

I also attempted to teach Pam integrals. She wasn't having any of it.

Believe it or not, guys, I'm not the nerdiest person ever. You know how I know? Because I saw him. He was one of the last speakers the first day. And he is, without a doubt in my mind, THE LORD OF THE NERDS

Day two started out alright. I was awake, alert, and focused. That quickly changed. I became infatuated with my bottle of Pepsi - the throwback formula, with sugar instead of corn syrup... it tastes better, but still tastes like Pepsi. Bleh! Anyway, this first doodle was of a droplet about 3mm in diameter, clinging to one of the ridges near the top. I called it "Bubble"

I also drew that little plastic piece near the cap that seals the bottle. After drawing it, I realized it looked an awful lot like Michaelangelo's Creation of Adam, so I titled this one Creation of Adam v2.0

See the resemblance? Don't lie, you know you do.

For my final endeavor on the Pepsi bottle, I noticed my back-lit reflection in the little ridge below the label, along with some of the wooden slats on the window behind me. Afterward, I realized the convex shape made me look like a hybrid of Hey Arnold!'s Arnold and Gerlad

Then one of those brainteaser image thingies, some weird curly thing, and something I can only call "The World on a String." I guess I was in a Sinatra mood?

For my last trick, I took another whack at that derivative. But this time, I did it in pen. That's right, I did math in pen. And ya know what? This time it was perfect, because when you climb without a rope, you don't make mistakes. I derived until I ran out of paper, bringing me all the way to the 8th derivative, which, just for reference, is 10352/(25x^9).

UPDATE: I have to come clean about something; I made a mistake. I'm not going to tell you where it is, you're just going to have to find it yourself. I'm going to consider that a major fail - not epic, but considering how damn proud I was of having not made a single mistake...

And that, ladies and gents, is how to doodle like a pro. You've just been skool'd.

In other news, my friend Josh, a Virginian accountant, just started a blog. Also, my friend Anna is apparently the writer of a Portland feminist and queer bookstore blog. They are polar opposites, yet both cool.

You Tubesday... Actually on a Tuesday This Time!

2010-03-09T17:48:00.006-05:00

Before I get to YouTubesday, I have an announcement to make: I know kung fu. Actually, I don't, but I am a Master of Karate. Not only that, I am a Master of Friendship. That's right, I AM A MASTER OF KARATE AND FRIENDSHIP. And I got an award from Lady V to prove it! Thanks, Vic!!

Now, normally the rules are you have to list six things you master (other than karate and friendship) and pass it on to six people, but Vic said, and this is a direct quote

FUCK the rules and just write whatever the fuck ya want. Pass it on to how many ever ya want. Once it's passed on, your in control of making the fucking rules up.

So here are my rules: list 12 things you master, but only the even numbers. Post a picture of your favorite martial arts movie, and pass it on to twice as many people as capitalized words in the title.

2) Procrastination. I totally win at procrastination. I started blogging in order to procrastinate better.

4) Economics. My supply of economics knowledge is so close to the true amount of all accumulated economics knowledge that the difference still isn't statistically significant with a, like, 2% confidence interval. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT T-CRITICAL IS?!

6) Doodling. I've been in a class all day, and I'll be in another one tomorrow. My doodles are amazing, hopefully I will be able to share them with you tomorrow or Thursday.

8) Facebook. Ask any of my friends, I am the master of their news feeds. Top News and Most Recent.

10) My domain.

12) Argyle socks. Ok, I'll admit, I'm new to this one. But I've bought three pairs in the last couple of weeks and, folks, I love them all. I rock them every chance I get, and they rock me. I can't believe my socks used to be so boring!

My favorite marital arts movie: Master of the Flying Guillotine. I came across this movie when I lived in the AEPi house and had a zilliion channels. It's about a kung fu master who's main weapon is a hat that he throws at you, at it cuts off your head. Not like Odd Job's hat, it goes over your head, like a hood, and your head then falls off. Greatest. Weapon. Ever. The movie only has two sound effects - a punch sound and hitting-the-ground sound - and they are repeated ad nauseum.

Three capitalized words, six friends:

1) 5ft0 at Five Foot Nothing
2) Alisha at Dreamer in Detroit
3) Breanna at These Unhinged Thoughts
4) Princess Vulgarities at Not So Glamorous Princess V
5) Jill at Life After College
6) Amanda at Life-According to Amanda

UPDATE: New Rule: JerseySJov gets one, too. Why? SHUT UP! That's why. Screw it, Sara, Egosyntonic, Gnetch, Kelsey, and my sister (yeah, I know, you're not in it for the awards, but I couldn't leave you out of this one) get them, too because you guys rock.Hope I didn't leave out any of my regular commentators, but if I did, let me know. This is an award that needs to be shared with the world.

ONTO THE TUBES! Still working on making some kind of banner for YouTubesday, so we're just going to have to do without for a little while....

This first video isn't actually a YouTube video, it's from Funny or Die. Cheating already, I know. Shut up and enjoy it. SNL Presidential impersonating all-stars come back for this video, to support Main Street Brigade's effort to form the Consumer Financial Protection Agency

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion from Will Ferrell

I'm a sucker for dubbing the sound of one thing over the sound of something else. Like last week's Avatar-Pocahontas trailer. This week, we imagine what Mean Girls would have been like if acted out by Disney Princesses. I have to give Elizabethany credit for this find, her internet-prowling skills are beyond my comprehension.

Here, we have a device I like to call "Darwin's Little Helper," and seems like something that might be employed in Saw XII. Do you want to play a game?

Doritos' Tablet is more useful, has better name than iPad

I'm normally not a fan of watching a video of someone hurting themselves, but in case, it's was a shirtless dbag riding a bmx bike on a treadmill, who I'm pretty sure had it coming, so I made an exception.

AH MUNNA EECHOO, TASTEH SEEL NOMZ!!! Seriously, I don't know what's funnier, the fact that she didn't take off the SEAL HAT after the polar bear tried to kill her, or the fact that the polar bear kept trying to kill her.

That's all for this week! I think this went pretty well. What do you think?

Return to Mediocrity

2010-03-08T20:18:00.005-05:00

This weekend, failed me. With a midnight showing of Trolls 2, Roller Derby followed by Rock and Roll Hotel, and Alice in Wonderland, this weekend had the potential for epic epicness. I mean, guys, I've had some crazy weekends lately, but this was a floater, all I had to do was smack it out of the park. Unfortunately, my friends are too cool to go to terrible movies late at night; we didn't get to roller derby until almost half time; and H Street turned out to be, well, this is the conversation I had with Pam around midnight...

Me: "Dude, this is boring."
Pam: "Yeah, everything is so crowded."
Me: "Which doesn't make any sense because it's sooo far from the Metro."
Pam: "So it's boring, crowded, and inaccessible..."
Me: "...why are we here?"*

Don't get me wrong, it was a good day overall, I've just been spoiled by mass quantities of legendaritivity lately.

But Alice was great! Parents beware: despite the PG rating, this is NOT a kid's movie! Your crying children will ruin it for everyone else. Get a baby sitter, catch a late show, see it in 3D. I enjoyed the ~~subtitles~~ (nice catch, Jersey) subtleties of the story in the background, like how the Red Queen's army was made of cards (thin and flimsy, games involve little long-term strategy) while the White Queen's army was made of chess pieces (strong and stoic, game requires deep thought and insight). I also caught a glimpse of the Nightmare's Oogie Boogie Man in the background of a burning building. See if you can spot it!

YouTubesday comin-acha tomorrow, but for now, enjoy this nice public typo!

METRO FAIL (but that's not exactly unusual)

*Little Miss Whiskey's was actually a lot of fun... once we got there.

Cows and Nostalgia

2010-03-05T11:34:00.000-05:00

There's this photo tagging thing going around. You take the 10th picture from the first pictures folder, post it, talk about it, and tag five people. Dreamer in Detroit was kind enough to tag me, so here we go.

Freshman year, I lived in the Agriculture dorm. Why? Because I was an Envi Sci major at the time, and was enrolled in the Food, Agriculture, Environment, and Pre-Vet Living and Learning Program. By the end of the year, I owned a cowboy hat and listened to Brad Paisley without shooting myself. Somehow or another, my friends wound up participating in this cow show, and they had to go out to the barns all the time to train their cows. One day I went with them. I remember Amber's cow loved me and Deanna's cow hated me, which is ironic for reasons that go well beyond the scope of this post.

So Lindsay (the girl in the hoodie) told me to put my fingers in front of the calf's face. What happened next can only be described as "intriguing yet disturbing on a number of levels."

As for these five lucky people, you know what you have to do.

JerseySjov at A Bit Unaware

Egosyntonic at Egocyntonicity (hope today goes better than yesterday!)

Smart Ass Sara at Sara's Organized Chaos (btw, she's having a birthday giveaway)

Gnetch at Thank Goodness For The Good Ones

Nichole at the story of a girl

YouTube Pwns My Life

2010-03-03T15:23:00.002-05:00

I've done it again. I've been wasting my life on YouTube when I could have been productive. I figure the least I can do is share the fruits of my labor.

First, I'd like to share with you OK Go's new video. Last week, I posted a letter from them to the world detailing their struggles to prevent their label from preventing embedding. Well, it looks like they won the battle, because clearly this video is embeddable. This is their second music video for this song, and it would make Rube Goldberg shit his pants.

Next, a find from Kate at I Am The Worst Blogger - dogs jumping and catching treats in slow motion.

This little nugget showed up on one of my geeky blog bundles this morning, and made me realize that at least I have more of a life than this guy. Though I probably shouldn't make fun of him, because he's apparently amassing an army of lego robots, starting with this full-size arm.

As if there was any doubt at all that Avatar was Pocahontas 2, a bunch of folks have made it perfectly clear. I watched a few, this was my favorite.

Words fail me. My coworkers and I died when we saw this. Can anybody explain to me what the hell is going on here???

For the last one, I wanted to find a ChatRoulette video, but I couldn't find a good one. Instead, I found a story about a kid who wound up going to work with his dad because of school closures. Why is this news? Because his dad is an FAA flight controller and he let the kid call the shots for a minute. There was no harm done, but the father is on administrative leave, anyway. Lighten up, people!

So a lot of bloggers have days. Ya know, like, Wordless Wednesdays and stuff. I was thinking about doing YouTuesdays, because I spend so damn much time on it anyway. Whatdyathink?